To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

It’s What We Do

I want to take this time to talk to you about Real Housewives. By REAL, I mean REAL.

We all know all the different shows from all the different large cities…. ” Real Housewives of……” I loved those shows. Was addicted to those shows. Oh my GAWD I wanted to be IN one of those shows. I watched every single one of them, back when I was a Stay -At-Home Mom. I got sucked in by all the glamor and glitz. I did not know a soul, housewife, working mom, stay-at-home mom NO ONE who even came close to anyone of these woman. At the time, I lived in a trailer. YUP, Mobile HOME, had wheels on the bottom. I always thought ” you want housewife, come to the 47666 and follow me around, our shopping sprees takes us to Goodwill!”

I am not going to talk anymore about those house wives because someone somewhere will certainly get their feelings hurt and I have nothing anyone else would want to sue me for!

In my life, I work full time outside of our home. I take care of all the bills, finances, housework, kids things, mowing, pretty much everything except working on the appliances and vehicles; which usually I call someone to come and do. My husband, he just gets to go to work and that is it! And I am jealous of that sometimes. I will tell you, I screw up our account at least twice a year. And he gets so mad at me each time I swear he is going to divorce me. He thinks I am spending large amounts on STUFF when what it always comes down to is, I got lazy or sick or behind or all the above and stopped keeping track of what was going where who was spending what on what and why and just watched the balance until it got to the OH SHIT level. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it now, but it is going to happen again, I guarantee you. He refuses to help me, says I won’t learn how to do it and do it right until I keep doing it. What sense does that even make? UGH!

I can not tell you how many pizzas I have burned because I am tired and get side tracked when I go into the other room to fold laundry and throw it on everyone’s beds. I can set the timer on the stove and swear it’s the dryer yelling at me and at that moment I just do not care that the clothes are dried. Then finally someone yells ” WHAT’s ON FIRE!” In our first few years in our house we had ADT. I can only imagine how many bets went on when our house came up on screen as having a fire. Our towns 911 dispatch operator would call me personally to see if there really was a fire or if it was just me cooking again. My husband was mortified by it. I thought it was funny. I mean why in the hell did they put the smoke alarm 3 feet from the stove in the first place.

I can make a Sears service man cry. At one point he threw up his hands and said ” I give up” at which point he declared our washing machine ” uneconomical to repair”; and Sears issued us a full refund on the machine, PLUS what we paid for the warranty. The machine in question was only six months old and I had somehow managed to blow apart the concrete arm that held the tub in place. True story. That was six years ago. In that six years we have gone through three more washers. My husband and the lady who owns our local Sears Home Store went round and round about my abilities to operate the machines correctly. Her loss, we now purchase our appliances from Menards.

I think about all the things that I have gotten myself into, and out of. From the things listed above to ruined laundry, lost pets, broken hearts, skinned knees, first days of kindergarten to graduation days, science projects gone wrong to better grades now then I got when I was in school. There are days I am so tired I don’t know if I should cry, laugh or scream. I have many days when I REALLY want a margarita. Then I think of all the butterfly kisses, stomps in the mud puddles, laughs until we cried, sleepless nights, early mornings, drives through the country until a very sleepy someone falls asleep…………. Then I think of all the times I wished time away and I cry. My soul cries. My heart cries.

All the things I wish I could undo or take back, erase and move on from. It’s all part of being a mom, a wife, a housewife, mother, disciplinarian, cook, referee, boo boo kisser, laundry sorter, dishwasher, hair fixer, tear drop catcher……how ever you want to classify me, I gladly accept the job. Yes, there are still going to be days I wish I lived at the beach, I am always going to want to live at the beach, but I want to drag all my little bugs with me. I love my life, however you categorize it. And the more I go over all those little things, and big things we do and will continue to do as REAL HOUSEWIVES, I wouldn’t trade any of it to be big and fancy and controversial, ( which for some reason reminds me of when Chloe and I went into a second hand store a while back and she said to me, ” isn’t this for poor people?” and we both looked up and saw a purse with a huge price sign that said $700 USED……she looked at me and we both laughed…..who in their right minds pays $700 for a used purse????) So, I will probably keep on complaining at times, bragging at times, and planning a life I will never have on a beautiful tropical island, but I love being the housewife for the husband and children, and house I have.

 

 

 

When I Grow Up!!!!!

I will admit, a few months ago I turned 40. It wasn’t near as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, I am not sure what I expected to happen. The earth to stop rotating maybe, a giant asteroid landing on my person? I seriously don’t know why I thought it would be so bad. Except, given my Dad gave me grief for an entire YEAR that I would be turning 40, that made me alittle anxious I suppose.  * the jokes on him now, cause I will give him grief for the next year on his about to turn 60*

So, I think maybe it is time I decide what I want to be when I grow up. Because it seems like that “grow up” time is creeping up on me faster and faster. I came to this realization just the other night when my 11 year old son asked me: ” Mom, what do you think I should be when I grow up?” At first, I was a bit taken aback, here he is 11 and he is thinking about and wandering about what he SHOULD be when he grows up. When I was 11 I have no idea what I was thinking, but I highly doubt it had anything to do with when I grew up! I know this to be true, because here I sit at 40, and I still don’t want to think about it. It’s a good thing that all this is going through his mind, maybe that is a sign he will fare this life much more successfully then his Mother has.

This also made me wander, allthose people we went to school with that are now doctors, and lawyers and successful at everything they touch……did they figure out and map out their entire “grown up” life when they were 11? And what on earth made them do that at 11? I mean, why were they mapping out their future when I was throwing rocks at the metal building across the road because I loved hearing the “ting” it made when it hit??!!! Seriously, why was the now Prosecuting Attorney NOT playing with GI Joe’s and blowing up his sisers Barbie Dolls???  Did these ambitous kids’ parents steer them in that direction? Should I be sitting down with my 11 year old AND my 5 year old and say…..ok this is where you want to go and this is how you are going to get there? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea……

Because, as I have said, I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This is why you have woman who are 90 graduating from college. 90 seems like a good age to grow up and get it all figured out at!

So, I think….if I were to try and decide what I want to be when I grow up….what MIGHT that be?

Possibility #1. Kid Rocks wife

Sadly enough, the only PLAN I can come up with is to find him when he is drop dead drunk or high as a kite and marry him real quick…..then KEEP him drop dead drunk and high as a kite for the next say, 10 years!!!! So, anyone know where I can find ol Bob Ritchie these days?

Possibilty#2 Have my own PRC Housewives Show

Now, this idea, should really be #1, but I got alittle ahead of myself by getting excited when I thought about Kid Rock. Unfortunately, it seems you have to be drop dead rich and have 7 nannies for 2 kids along with a house manager, which I have no idea what THAT is, a personal assistant, and so on….along with a mansion and do absolutely NOTHING all day but shop drink and cause drama to qualify for this…..and although you may be surprised…..I have NONE of those things.  So, if anyone else out there knows of a plan to head me down this path…CALL ME!

And so, now I am all out of possibilities. Due to the fact that anything else I could come up with requires me to have some sort of skill or talent, and sadly I have none. I always wanted to take guitar lessons, but there was always something more fun to do. Bought a sewing machine not too long ago, it works great for throwing my clothes over. Stacy and I even bought material and STUFF to attempt to make a quilt, not sure what happened to that idea, other then I have no idea HOW to work the sewing machine I bought. Made some bracelets a few years ago, that was fun, however, my eyes can’t see those tiny beads anymore….and I REFUSE to go to TRI FOCALS!

So, here I am lost in confusion on what to do and how to do it. Of course I do WANT to grow up, because I really don’t like the alternative to NOT growing up. I just don’t know what I want to BE!

You know what would be SO awesome! If I had a long lost great great uncle that I never knew about, that just so happened to be a billionaire. He was mean and hated his kids and his kids hated him, so upon his death, I inherit a good portion of his billions! Then I could have a mansion, a house manager, a stylist, a nannie, shop all day and be on The REAL HOUSEWIVES of PRC!!! Now, my friends THAT is a plan!!!!!!!

🙂