To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!

✌🏼😘

It’s What We Do

I want to take this time to talk to you about Real Housewives. By REAL, I mean REAL.

We all know all the different shows from all the different large cities…. ” Real Housewives of……” I loved those shows. Was addicted to those shows. Oh my GAWD I wanted to be IN one of those shows. I watched every single one of them, back when I was a Stay -At-Home Mom. I got sucked in by all the glamor and glitz. I did not know a soul, housewife, working mom, stay-at-home mom NO ONE who even came close to anyone of these woman. At the time, I lived in a trailer. YUP, Mobile HOME, had wheels on the bottom. I always thought ” you want housewife, come to the 47666 and follow me around, our shopping sprees takes us to Goodwill!”

I am not going to talk anymore about those house wives because someone somewhere will certainly get their feelings hurt and I have nothing anyone else would want to sue me for!

In my life, I work full time outside of our home. I take care of all the bills, finances, housework, kids things, mowing, pretty much everything except working on the appliances and vehicles; which usually I call someone to come and do. My husband, he just gets to go to work and that is it! And I am jealous of that sometimes. I will tell you, I screw up our account at least twice a year. And he gets so mad at me each time I swear he is going to divorce me. He thinks I am spending large amounts on STUFF when what it always comes down to is, I got lazy or sick or behind or all the above and stopped keeping track of what was going where who was spending what on what and why and just watched the balance until it got to the OH SHIT level. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it now, but it is going to happen again, I guarantee you. He refuses to help me, says I won’t learn how to do it and do it right until I keep doing it. What sense does that even make? UGH!

I can not tell you how many pizzas I have burned because I am tired and get side tracked when I go into the other room to fold laundry and throw it on everyone’s beds. I can set the timer on the stove and swear it’s the dryer yelling at me and at that moment I just do not care that the clothes are dried. Then finally someone yells ” WHAT’s ON FIRE!” In our first few years in our house we had ADT. I can only imagine how many bets went on when our house came up on screen as having a fire. Our towns 911 dispatch operator would call me personally to see if there really was a fire or if it was just me cooking again. My husband was mortified by it. I thought it was funny. I mean why in the hell did they put the smoke alarm 3 feet from the stove in the first place.

I can make a Sears service man cry. At one point he threw up his hands and said ” I give up” at which point he declared our washing machine ” uneconomical to repair”; and Sears issued us a full refund on the machine, PLUS what we paid for the warranty. The machine in question was only six months old and I had somehow managed to blow apart the concrete arm that held the tub in place. True story. That was six years ago. In that six years we have gone through three more washers. My husband and the lady who owns our local Sears Home Store went round and round about my abilities to operate the machines correctly. Her loss, we now purchase our appliances from Menards.

I think about all the things that I have gotten myself into, and out of. From the things listed above to ruined laundry, lost pets, broken hearts, skinned knees, first days of kindergarten to graduation days, science projects gone wrong to better grades now then I got when I was in school. There are days I am so tired I don’t know if I should cry, laugh or scream. I have many days when I REALLY want a margarita. Then I think of all the butterfly kisses, stomps in the mud puddles, laughs until we cried, sleepless nights, early mornings, drives through the country until a very sleepy someone falls asleep…………. Then I think of all the times I wished time away and I cry. My soul cries. My heart cries.

All the things I wish I could undo or take back, erase and move on from. It’s all part of being a mom, a wife, a housewife, mother, disciplinarian, cook, referee, boo boo kisser, laundry sorter, dishwasher, hair fixer, tear drop catcher……how ever you want to classify me, I gladly accept the job. Yes, there are still going to be days I wish I lived at the beach, I am always going to want to live at the beach, but I want to drag all my little bugs with me. I love my life, however you categorize it. And the more I go over all those little things, and big things we do and will continue to do as REAL HOUSEWIVES, I wouldn’t trade any of it to be big and fancy and controversial, ( which for some reason reminds me of when Chloe and I went into a second hand store a while back and she said to me, ” isn’t this for poor people?” and we both looked up and saw a purse with a huge price sign that said $700 USED……she looked at me and we both laughed…..who in their right minds pays $700 for a used purse????) So, I will probably keep on complaining at times, bragging at times, and planning a life I will never have on a beautiful tropical island, but I love being the housewife for the husband and children, and house I have.

 

 

 

Sports Bra Dance

Whomever designed the original sports bra actually meant for it to be a torture device. It’s the most miserable thing to put on and even more miserable to attempt to take off, especially if you really did work out.

So this weekend I was trying to put mine on. 🤨 You see I said ” trying”, right? First let me tell you about my Sports Bra. I got it from Victoria Secrets a couple of years ago. Yes, I said VS. No, I do not have itty bitty tittys that only need band aids. This is the absolute BEST one I have ever had. A HUGE selling point was it zips up the front! Another it comes in bra sizes and finally it actually holds my sisters in place! Very very little bounce! I love this bra.

BBUT, this weekend I was having major issues. I’m in our bedroom half naked trying over and over and over to get this damn thing zipped. I’ve pulled and I’ve pushed and I’ve stuffed like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve jiggled and wiggled and tried stuffing again. I’ve turned side ways and the other side ways and half way around and tried stuffing AGAIN! I’ve preformed a few off balanced moves and jiggled some more. The damn zipper just will not cooperate. Won’t budge. And I’m mad.

At this point my husband walks in. He says ” what in the hell are you doing?” 😳 ” Well, I am trying to put this damn bra on and it refuses to zip!” So, he thinks he can help. ” let me try” he says. Sure why not at this point whatever works! He tries and tries and then says ” well stuff them in some more” So, I try to stuff. Which I have to tell you, that was not the problem but for some reason both of us thought if I SMASH them in, the zipper will work. I don’t know why this was part of our thought process but it was. When that didn’t work he says ” well you are just going to have to take it off zip it up and then put it on” To which I said ” are you crazy? The whole reason I bought this was so I didn’t HAVE to put this on over my head!” He tells me I need to just buy a new one. Sure that’s a great idea but that doesn’t help me NOW! He then asks ” well are you going to work out NOW?” ” No, I’m not going to work out NOW” he then asks ” well why are you putting it on?” ” because I’m going out to work in the yard and I want to wear this ( holding up a cool clearance find at the Nike outlet – a tankish kind of top) and I can’t wear my regular bra with it that would look dumb” he said a few choice cuss words then said ” ok I’m going to hold this together and you pull” 😬 GOT IT! WooHoo! WooHoo! Team effort to get the sports bra on! His parting words to me were ” you’re something else” 😂😘

Yes, yes I am and he wouldn’t trade me or my Sports Bra Dance for anything else……. I don’t think !

✌🏼 Julesb6a81c34c848b09c79697df3d2cee22c

I Got Loopy

We aren’t ones that go out on the town and cut loose. Or, I suppose I should say we don’t do it very often. I am a people person. My husband is not. I’m happy to mingle and socialize or even just stand back and observe. Oh how I LOVE to people watch! My husband would rather tv watch. I am more comfortable dressed up, which to me is anything that is not scrubs, jeans, sweats or sneakers. My husband is Levi’s and sneakers.

I could go on and on about how opposite we are, but I’ll save that for a different post.

Before I get to what I really want to tell you about, I need to give you some of our back story. We have been married for almost 21 years. I come from a family full of alcoholics and drug addicts. MOST are clean and have been for many years. Because I grew up smack dab in the middle of crazy insane full blown partying at every family get together, I put myself up on this pedal stool because I was going to be better then them. Shew. I’ll tell you, all these years later it breaks my heart to say that. Now my husband, totally opposite upbringing. His dad was a cop in LA way back in the 70’s. My husband is straight out of Compton before Compton was gang territory ( or so I’m told) His parents loaded up the family and moved all the way over here to good ol Indiana because his dad seen the changes coming. So, Southern Cali surfer dude transplanted to the corn fields of the Midwest. Snooty. As time passes and so does life, my husband becomes a drug addict. Yup. I fell off that pedal stool so hard. But, where I was going with all of that, before I ever fell I refused to drink. I knew. I felt it in my blood. I wouldn’t allow myself to drink scared I wouldn’t quit. No I never became an alcoholic or drug addict. My husband and I had been married for nearly 8 maybe 9 years and he had never known me to drink so we had a New Years Eve Party and I drank and drank and drank 🤮 was not pretty. Crazy I tell you. So, here we are years later and let me tell you I love margaritas and I love tequila! He did all his crazy shit while I was raising our kids I think he’s ready to be an old man now. Me, I’ve raised my kids now I want to be carefree and crazy!!! 🤷‍♀️

Last October we went to Nashville for our 20th wedding anniversary. His brother and his wife surprised us at Sambucas ( which if you are ever in Nashville make a reservation and have dinner there OMG its insanely delicious!!) After dinner they took us over to Broadway, I was mesmerized. We live in a very small rural farm town on a river this is something I had never experienced. WoW!!! LOVED every bar we went into, every thing we saw, I was so in awe of everything and wandered why in the hell no one ever told me about this place. We made our way to Nudies Honky Talk were we propped ourselves up on a stool on the second floor balcony got more drunk and people watched. There was a bachelor and his party having the time of their life down on the dance floor, next thing you know there I was right in the middle dancing away and so was my sister in law. SO.MUCH.FUN. Our husbands drug us out of there 30 minutes before last call. Jerks. We found a corner hot dog vendor and ended our night with a dog and an Uber ride. The next night we had tickets to Kid Rocks Fish Fry , I love Kid like no other but 1. it’s not really a fish fry and 2. He ain’t got nothing on Nudies. I couldn’t talk my husband into a shirt from Nudies and I was broke after bar #2 so no shirt.

Fast forward to April 13 of this year and back to Nashville with same brother and SIL along with my husbands 2 sisters and their spouses. They all stayed at a fancy Marriott ( I wanted lots of tequila and a T-shirt from Nudies so we got a hotel over by the shell mart😬) TWO nights of downtown Nashville! Both nights ending up at Nudies Honky Tonk. I am telling you I love that bar!!! If that bar was in say Key West I would just pack up and move now. Love it. We had the best time. What I need is a job that pays me to travel and go to these places!!! ❤️❤️ I cant talk him into going all the time like I’d love to. Seems now that most all of the kids are grown ( youngest just turning 13 next month the rest are all adults) he’s out frown letting his ambitions fly to the wind. I get it, do not want anything to ever mess with his sobriety, I just want to live a little before I die. So, all of this I am telling you is because I also wanted to tell you I got me a damn Nudies shirt that night. Yup. I wasn’t leaving until I got one. We compromised I wanted a T-shirt he said it had to be a tank ( and yet again I spent all my cash on tequila shots) I knew what his thinking was ” let her get a tank she will never wear it out of the house” ( I try to be respectable looking most of the time so I don’t let body parts hang out at Wal Mart) I got the tank- a red tank. And damn it if winter didn’t hang around here forever and 9 full moons! Left work tonight at 5:30 put the top down on my car came home and do you know what I put on???? Hell Yeah I did!!

Not Me

By now we all know that a woman from Massachusetts won a huge amount of money. We all know her name, her age and many more things about her. Sadly, I have to inform you it was not me. I did buy two tickets. I knew it wasn’t going to be me so there was no way I was going to go broke trying to appease the lottery Gods.

On that Thursday morning after the drawing I saw all these posts popping up on social media. They were of her coming out of the lottery office for the first time after coming forward. People were being down right horrible in their comments. Just bashing her about her chewing her gum. Could you imagine? I mean you find out you are the sole winner of an insane amount of money, I imagine there is a moment of complete shock. Kind of like ” SHUT UP! ” with your jaw dropped and you feel like you can’t catch your breath kind of moment. I would think I’d sit down and just cry. I would cry like I have not ever cried before and I would let it all go, everything cause damn it I can go buy myself a good bra now!!! So you get all your shit together take it all in and you go to the Powerball office. Not thinking this is a big deal for anyone other then you. You are sitting in the office filling out whatever they have for you to fill out and someone mentions the media is there. 😮 ” What? Wait? Who?…….. oh hell no, I’m not going out there. Shit. Are you serious? Can’t I just climb out that window? This is no one else’s business but my own I’m not going on tv!!! You have got to be kidding me! Ok I need a cigarette. What the hell do you mean no smoking inside??? You people are pissing me off. I can’t go out there. Ok. I can do this. Does someone have some gum?” I mean come on think about? I haven’t smoked for 5 years but I’d want a cigarette. I mean this kind of thing doesn’t happen to normal people. It does not happen to me. And now that it has I have to go out and smile in front of media? Oh damn it. I’d chomp that gum like the new multi millionaire I am and talk all your smack cause guess what, yup you aren’t getting a dime of it. 😬 That’s right. OWN IT GIRL!!

What happens next? The rest of us will continue to dream knowing we won’t ever get to retire because we skipped class on the day they were teaching planning for your future. And this woman, man how exciting! I’d love to be on her first real shopping trip with her. Will she let loose and buy those $200 jeans and $500 boots because she can? Or will she still be like ” but they are just jeans who in the hell spends $200 on jeans? Not this girl I don’t care how much money I have!” See, I love shoes and purses and cars 😊 That being said I’m not sure even if I did spend $500 on a pair of shoes I’d have it in my heart to wear them OUTSIDE! Although I’d love to know how those shoes feel or how $200 jeans feel. But, it’s not me, it’s someone else. What will she go wild with? It would be very interesting to know.

I wish her well. The best of everything for the rest of her life. I hope she doesn’t allow people to use her and I hope she doesn’t become jaded. All the best for her! All the best!

Live

Love

Laugh

Til next time~ Jules

7 Days

I did tell you that you were going to get sick of me. It is hard for me to hold myself accountable just by keeping track of everything, I mean who doesn’t lie about what they actually eat every now and then?

Today is Day 7 for me.

Day 7 of what you are asking yourself?

Well, Day 7 of this round of diet. Day 7 of Omni Drops. Day 7 of no coffee. Day 7 of no Diet Coke. Day 7 of NO SUGAR. Day 7 of no processed food. ( ok wait that is a lie…..I did cheat and had ONE WHOLE pepperoni on maybe Day 4) Day 7 of a very strict calorie and food intake. Day 7 of having not gone psycho on anyone due to all of the above.

This round started with me ” Loading” which meant for 2 days I could eat whatever I wanted. And did I ever. I stayed stuffed and happy about it. Even had cake. ( not really sure if that is what they meant by eat whatever and whenever I wanted) It wasn’t really good bakery style cake, it was Hostess of some sort. I had some Doritos, and I don’t even remember what else. These two days I did not keep track of food intake. I can tell you I had DIET COKE and wonderful coffee with wonderful hazelnut creamer. There is a purpose behind this madness, but I am not going into that.

Day 3 comes and BAM restricted diet. I can have 2 servings of fruit a day, 4 ounces of lean protein ( not all lean protein just approved lean protein I didn’t read that correctly on day 3!) twice a day; lunch and dinner, 4 ounces of approved veggies twice a day, two grains ( this is in the form of melba toast or wasa crackers NOT to be eaten at same meal). I am to drink 3/4- 1 gallon of water a day. I can have coffee and tea, however nothing added except stevia. Green tea will count towards water intake, but everything else counts against it. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, yours truly managed to screw it up on day 3 because I didn’t read all the fine print ( which really isn’t fine- I just skimmed through it and thought I was a pro already!) Thanks to an amazing friend that doesn’t mind I text her relentlessly with 900 questions, I got on track.

Day 3 was in fact the roughest day. After having loaded myself up with food over a 2 day period my brain thought that is how I needed to continue to eat. I did good. I did not stray. Every time I get to thinking I need to eat, I drink green tea. I made pancakes and bacon for the family one night for super and each time I went to lick my fingers I caught myself and rinsed them off! Good job right?

Surprisingly, it really hasn’t been that hard. I haven’t really been hungry. And, like I said each time I think I need to snack just to snack, I make a cup of hot green tea. I usually drink about half of it and decide I am done with that for now. I have several times stood with the refrigerator door wide open looking for something to jump up and say ” you can have me!” and so far the only time I caved was to that one pepperoni. Although, I really wanted some of my husbands pistachios last night. But, I did good, I took a bath and shaved my legs and other parts in preparation for our up coming beach trip! ( WHAT? get over it!)

Now, the good news; I am down 9 pounds in 7 days. Bad news, each and every time I get to 9 pounds lost I quit. I grab my fancy coffee and start to gain again. However, I have mad it UNDER a certain weight that I have not been under in a long while. It usually goes hand in hand, the 9 pounds and the weight on the scale usually are right there together. So here I am at 9 pounds lost and UNDER this weight holding my breath to see what tomorrow brings.

My expectation obviously is to lose weight, but I also hope to find a path to a better me. I know, that covers a lot. But, stick with me and we will see how this goes!

Dance in the rain my friends!!!!!