Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.
There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.
Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.
Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.
Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.
And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.
The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.
If you know me, truely know me, or are following my blogs; which it seems no one actually is, then you know the beginning of 2012 became a turning point in my life.
To completely understand all of this you will need to read some of my blogs from earlier in the year.
What I will tell you is there came a moment when I decided not only to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior, but I knew it was time to repair the realtionship I had broken with both our Lord and our Father.
In 1993 I had made my way to the altar and I asked for forgiveness. I was saved. I was 22. I tried to read the Bible and to be honoest I was so confused. I had questions upon questions upon questions. So I turned to family members for answers. I was told exactly this, ” Julie, you are overthinking this. You have to trust the word and believe in the word” which quite frankly, left me more then confused how could I trust and believe when I didn’t have the slightest clue as to what the words were saying. I gave up.
I spent the next 18 years bitter and angry. I would tell people “oh God and I have a relationship alright, we agree to disagree”. WOW! How completely ignorant that sounds now.
In that moment back at the beginning of this year when I was on my knees letting it all out and asking once again for His forgiveness, I made a promise to myself and to God, I would not be deterred from rebuilding what I had broken.
I spent months seeking out any and all information I could find to help me understand everything I could. From the writings of the Bible, to what being a Christian really is.
I bought a Bible Dictionary that is truely amazing. I have sought out historical information, you name it. I was thirsty, thirsty to know Him.
In these beginning stages I was “called” to a church. I use the word called because I didn’t feel like this is where I belonged. But, a dear friend did and she was struggling. I walked with her until the day of her Baptizim. Then I found my church family, where I belong. With amazing people to help me along my journey.
And a journey it is. In terms of my walk with God, I am still a toddler learning to maintain my balance. Some days are easy, others I stumble quite a bit. Yet, with each stumble, I am learning something new and amazing, as well as building my relationship with God.
There are days I still feel so alone and sometimes abandoned. Not by God. I feel Him holding my hand or carrying my heavy heart. You see, I feel abandoned by my earthly friends. My chosen sisters. Those who I love and adore and have forever. I don’t tell you this so feel sympathy for me. None is needed. Things happen in life, which being human we allow the emotional aspect of those things or situations to completely take us over. My love for these friends has never wavered. But I can’t allow their choice of going with their feelings of the moment to interfer with my new journey. Those days my feelings of loss and saddness take over, I know without a doubt my Lord and Savior is carrying me through.
July 1rst my Mother & I were baptized, along with 2 amazing people within our church family. I will tell you, I was scared to death. Will I drown? Will I meet Gods expectations? Will I fall? So many things went through my heart, my soul and my mind. For me, my baptizm was an offering of sorts to God that I have every intention of keeping my promise.
I am still learning and eagerly yearning for more knowledge. Excited in my growth process. And I am not one bit ashamed to tell you I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the sacrifes both he and our Father have made and continue to make so that I can grow in His likeness and follow the path he has planned for me. I still haven’t seen what that path is, but I know with patience and commitment someday it will be revealed. And oh what a glorious day that will be. Because I have no doubt with Jesus Christ beside me I will have the strength and knowledge to walk that path just as He has planned for me.
For now, I am happy with who I am. Confident in the rebuilding my relationship with God. And I have faith in Him and all he carries me through.
May God bless you in all things you do!
Much love to each and everyone of you!
Standing there at that moment in time, I had no idea what was happening. Had I been on the outside looking in, I never would have imagined any of it.
It was actually a very warm January night. Far warmer then January nights are suppose to be in Southwestern Indiana. I was truely at my whits end. I had set our house rules down so many times to my son. Grown son I must add. Time after time they were broken. Now, I feel I must add- I was rather passive in the enforcement of those rules, for awhile. I would casually mention “I know you feel your too old for a curfew, however I would really appreciate it if you were in by 12” to which he would respond with “ok Mom”. This went on for months.
Of course life itself was going on all around us, for us all, between us all and at times it seemed inspite of us all.
At some point, because of life going on, I noticed, no it was pointed out to me that my heart seemed hardened…actually I think cold was the word used. I blew it off, thinking about it for only a moment. Of course I came up with I’ve learned to be causios or I’ve learned to set boundaries. As far as I was concerned that was that.
In the mean time things with my son escaleted. My passiveness left completely and my psychoness emerged.
I knew what I was going to have to do, and I had known for some time. But I just could not bring myself to do it. My heart broke just at the thought of having to say the words.
Still, he pushed and he pushed and each time I fell. I always fell. That in itself is an entirely different story.
In my heart and with my soul, I knew what was going on, what the problem was and what was fueling it. No words had to be exchanged, a Mothers soul just knows. Yet, Momma couldn’t fix it. As a matter of fact the more psycho I became with my demands to follow the rules, the more fuel his demons added to the raging fire. I’m fairly sure what is going through your head right now, is not what was going on. My son had a broken soul attempting to consume his soul. And Momma was an obstacle.
The breaking point for me came that January night, technically it was a very early January morning. I was sure that morning would end with me either being carted out in handcuffs or a straight jacket.
As my heart and soul were pounding with rage and hurt, I headed to his bedroom door. Something stopped me. Stopped me dead in my march. I turned around and went to our bedroom, shut the door and stood there in the dark for about two seconds. Then I fell to my knees. There was no thought process, no “how do I do this?”. I just let it ALL out. The very first thing I said was ” Dear Lord please forgive me. I was so wrong. Please help me carry this, I can not do this by myself any longer!” I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. Not just for the struggles my son and I were going through, but for years of blaming God. Years of fighting God. Decades of asking why! And so much more. I can’t recall how long I prayed and cried. I can tell you I was on my knees until there were no more tears, until there was no more weight on my shoulders and my heart harbored no more anger, no more hurt, no more blame. I stood up feeling as if a ton had been lifted from my soul. I didn’t feel psycho, I felt love. I felt a hardened heart open as wide as the seas stretch the earth. My chains had been broken!
The next day I was able to sit down with my son and explain it was time for him to move out. Wow did it hurt, like an arrow straight through that newly opened heart! Thankfully, he understood and agreed.
He’s doing well today, despite having had to go through the unbearable pain of a broken heart. Which is something any parent hopes and prays their children never have to experience. Unfortunately, we have to allow them to live their own lives and experiences in order to learn lifes lessons. The worse part of being a parent is having to step back and allow them to do so.
That same day, I made my New Years Resolution. ( which you can read about in a previous blog post)
What has surprised me, is what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve found and lost as a result of that night something stole my psychoness and led me to my knees.
The past six months has gone from a resolution to a revelation.
Until next time- May love fill your soul!
When 2012 arrived, I sat and thought what did I want to resolve this year? I had already declared exercising would not make the list, seeing as it’s on the list every year and that’s about as far as it makes it. That declaration led to ” I am so not going to diet either”.
Then it came to me, it was time. Time for me to let go of all the issues I thought God & I had, and ask Him to lead me to my path. This came to me thru a moment in time when I thought as a Mother I was either going to be carted out in a straight jacket or hand cuffs, because I was on the edge of a psycho mom moment to which had I not fell to my knees; I may have never returned.
Before I knew it, I had fallen to my knees, and everything I had kept pent-up and locked away in my heart, my soul and all the hidden spots in my mind came out. I didn’t realize I was sobbing so hard until the moment came when I could finally breath. I felt as if 3 tons had been lifted from my chest and my shoulders. It was truly an Amazing Grace.
This may sound strange, but with all of this, I didn’t have set in my mind or my heart to seek out religion as a whole. Instead, I was seeking a relationship, my relationship with God. I was someone who spent a lifetime blaming God, running from him, questioning Him. I took responsibility for nothing. And when things went wrong, sometimes way wrong, I stood and threw my hands up…..”what NOW!” And when I would get an answer, I argued. Because I knew what was right for me. Who was HE to say different. Needless to say, it was a very long and bumpy road. Along this path, I have been led to religion, to a church family, to church friends.
I am one who has to understand everything. Factor into that by understanding everything, really all I have done is interpreted things in a manner in which I think I understand it. This usually leads me straight into a tangled mess. However, with prayer and much-needed guidance and a Bible Dictionary I make it through.
My journey so far hasn’t always been easy, yet it’s not as hard as it was. Because now I walk with God holding my hand. This doesn’t mean I am perfect or that I won’t mess something up. It simply means, I’m a work in progress.