To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!

✌🏼😘

We HAD to move to TOWN!

Living in town, compared to the “secluded” riverfront property of the compound is very different!

First, and my husband would roll his eyes about this, and probably my good friend Mossy, because they both seem to think it is weird that I willingly visited my Mom every morning, but I so miss my morning coffee visits with my mom! *and for some reason that made me tear up!* Even if we had mornings where we didn’t say a word to each other, we were still “visiting”, and I don’t know about her, but it made me feel good.

Second, I can not STOP running to the window every time I hear a car drive by, which is like every 3 seconds. I think “someones here!”, and the odd thing is the one time I choose not to run to the window, someone is here! Given there are way too many doors in this house, when someone does come, it’s like playing hide and go seek. They knock on one door, I go to another, and it just keeps on going! So, for future reference, we do not use either of the “front” doors, except in the morning when we are waiting for the school bus. When you go around back, go to the second door. If you forget this and go to the actual front door, please DO NOT ring the door bell, it really irritates me, who invented that thing anyway!

Third, not only do we have a multitude of doors, but windows too, I am use to running around the house in whatever I want….especially from the shower to my bedroom, which at the old house, you stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom. Now, I have to go down the hall and thru the front room, which has a VERY big window. And even though I am constantly shutting those blinds, someone is constantly opening them! And this brings me to number 4!

Number 4, my dog now has to go out on a leash, which irritates both me and him. Not to mention, he is used to as soon as my feet hit the floor, I am opening the door to let him out. Now, he has to wait for me to get dressed in something the neighbors won’t gauk at, which just like the leash irritates us both! What am I gonna do come summer? Mow the yard in sweats?

Now I know it may sound like I do not like our new home, quite the opposite actually. I love our new home, I just wish we could move it to the other side of the highway.

The other day I was outside walking Jack, in our yard, waiting on the school bus, this van approaches with some old lady and her dog, she stops dead in the road right in front of me and Jack, stares at us for a good full minute, as does her dog, she then smacked her dog on top of the head and drove off. REALLY ? I mean WTF was that? Of course, you know me, I stood there and stared back, and I am sure Jack did too. Is that how you get welcomed to the neighborhood now? A stare down? What happened to casseroles and pies or house-warming gifts? This is true stuff, no joking.

I now know why those who can afford a very tall fence with a gate have one, and if we could afford to fence the entire yard and gate it, we would trust me. Oh, and a moat that would be so cool! Oh well, I am sure I will get use to it….eventually!

The neighborhood children NEVER go home! In and out the doors all day long. Letting the dogs out each time, then getting upset because now the dogs are out and they want to chase the boys on their bikes. I can not tell you how many times they open the refrigerator door! Once, I told them to drink from the garden hose ( i had to when i was their age) they all looked at me like I had blood coming out of my eyes, and then one asks “what’s a garden hose?” REALLY? You have got to be kidding me! I wanted to yell, GO HOME!

I hate town!

Saturday evening I was sitting in the family room watching something on Bravo, I look out the window and there stands this little blonde headed boy on our patio. He could not have been anymore than 2 years old. So, I get up, go out there, and I start asking him where his mommy is and so on, then this little girl came waltzing up with her hands on her hips shaking her head at me and says ” he’s Lindons brother”. Now, she was probably 4 if that. I ask her if she knows where his mommy is and she mumbled something that I could not understand. This little girl had an attitude from you know where, and she was not the least bit afraid to show it. Through the conversation I had with her, that lasted a good 3 minutes or more, the only thing I was able to come up with was 1. he was NOT her brother, 2. he was Lindons brother. So, I go inside to get my shoes on, thinking I am going to have to walk around this damn neighborhood and find this little boys Mother, who obviously didn’t care he was even gone. At that point it had been 5 minutes and no sign of a Mother, no one hollering and screaming for their child, I on the other hand was a nervous wreck! It took me 30 seconds to put my flip-flops on go back outside. At this point, the little boy had found Trent’s BB gun that was laying in the yard for some UNKNOWN reason. This particular BB gun looks like a .22 rifle, or whatever .22’s are. So, I take it from him and explain ” this can hurt you”. I take his hand, with the BB gun in my other hand, and start out across the yard. Well, looky there, here comes this HUGE woman charging at me. ( it did not occur to me until later what it must have looked like with me holding her son’s hand AND a gun!) She is charging in such a manner that it sends Rachel, our little rat terrier mix into a frenzy. She was NOT going to let that woman anywhere near me. At that point Jack decided, maybe he should let out a bark or two. This woman, never said anything to her son, never asked me to get my dogs back, actually she never said a word until she went to attempt to kick Jack and yelled SHUT THE EFF UP! Not good! So, not good! My dogs are just like my kids…..If I could have grabbed that woman by her throat and choked her I would have. But, instead I said a few choice words of my own and told her to get her fat ass off my property!

That fence and mote I mentioned previously, is looking damn good right about now!

Apparently from what I could find out from other neighbors, this woman and her boyfriend have a hand full of kids and they can’t be bothered to watch them. There is either an older brother or sister, or both, but by older I do not believe he/she is anymore then 6. Anyway, that is who is in charge of watching them when they are all outside to play. \

I would like to click my heels now!