To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!

✌🏼😘

Things I’ve Learned About Running

I am no fitness expert. Not a running expert either. In fact I know nothing about fitness and only a slight bit more then that about running.
I’m not even sure what I have began is considered running at all. It’s probably more of a light jog on the treadmill. I’ve only been at it for two weeks. My goal is to run a 5 K in May.
All that being said, the following is what I have learned about running thus far!
• Choose your playlist very carefully! You want music that will keep you motivated, but will NOT bring out the 80’s head banging or hustle & flow moves because THAT does not end well on a treadmill!
• Have a water bottle which allows you to squirt the water into your mouth versus having to unscrew the lid and drink. On the plus side of the latter, you can play it off as you really worked up one heck of a sweat! 😉
• Wear TWO sports bras- that should be self explanatory
• DO NOT GET ON THE TREADMILL WHEN IT IS SET ON FULL SPEED AHEAD! EVEN IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON- SUPER BAD IDEA!
• Do not position the treadmill so it is anywhere near the ping pong table, that is if you have one. For some reason the person on the side which has them facing you occasionally feels the need to slam the ball as if they are attempting to hit a home run- and yes I am aware home runs don’t exist in ping pong- that’s my point!
• I won’t bring up the dart board, now that I think about it, probably should move the treadmill at this point!
• When your dog comes up and sits and stares at you, do not bend over to let him! Even if you are holding o !
• Stretch before & after
• Stay hydrated ( remember squirt bottle)
• Breath thru both your nose and mouth, more oxygen, less of a headache!
• Set realistic goals
• ALWAYS potty TWICE before you get on the treadmill, cause on e you get going you are still going to think you have to go!
My final words of novice wisdom: try to time your running playlist so you end your run with a song like Queens ” We Are The Champions” or Kid Rocks ” Never Met A Mother Fucker Quite Like Me ” Trust me, when you feel like your either going to puke or passout and you’ve lost your HMPF with one minute left- one of those songs come on and you push yourself through that last minute and get off the treadmill with an attitude like HELL YEAH I DID IT!
Until next time, keep your feet on the ground!

SHUT UP!

If you know me, or if you follow my blog, then you know I am a HUGE Kid Rock fan.
Big deal right? I mean most people are a huge fan of someone or something! What makes me any different or special in a fan kind of way? Nothing at all, on a normal day.
February 12th was NOT a normal day, and neither will April 1rst be.
April 1rst is the Kid Rock concert my son and I are going to.

I should probably rewind some of this so everyone else can understand what on earth I am talking about. I’m sure right now it all sounds either crazy or in code.
Being a member of the Kid Rock fan club, Rebel Soldiers, I was able to enter a contest called ” Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity”. Two winners would be picked for each concert venue already on the schedule. No other details. That’s it. So, of course I entered! I entered daily for a week, then they closed the contest.
Sometime after 9 PM on February 12 th I checked my emails via my phone before going to bed. I had an email that said I was a winner for the concert I had chosen. All I had to do was respond to the email with verification I was in fact a fan club member and I do have a ticket for that concert. My first reply to the email said this: ” SHUT UP! Is this for real!?” To which I received an immediate reply that yes it was in fact for real and please submit the verification requested. So I did.
I then receive an email telling me what to do on the day of the concert. That’s it! Nothing else.
Well, at that point I was thinking ” there is no way this is real” Which in checking the fan forum, apparently no one else believed it was real either. For some crazy odd reason, that told me it was in fact real. But why was it so cryptic? No one on the fan forum was talking about their experience at the concerts as winners. Why? Now, it passed cryptic and sailed straight on to creepy.
In talking with another fan, who won for the concert the night before the concert I won for, we wandered …. Are they kidnapping people? I mean cause Jeepers a Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity and no one is posting anywhere about it? No pictures NOTHING! ANYWHERE! So that’s it, now we know…. Someone is kidnapping Kid Rock fans! Great!
Luckily, someone finally posted!

It seems they expected way more than what the actual prize ended up being. I think the words they used were something like “complete bullshit, nowhere near the epic experience I thought I was going to get”
Now, I’m going to stop here to tell you before thinking fans were being kidnapped, I had been saying things like ” I’ll probably get a free hotdog and drink” or ” they will have me mop the stage” because in fact a Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity would be anything outside the normal buying a ticket to the concert experience, right? Right!
Still all the while hoping I’d get to meet him.
Well, the prize is, during the last song of the concert, the winners for each show get to stand on the stage and clap while Kid Rock signs and performs the last set.
Now, according to the fan that was completely disappointed, he doesn’t even look the winners way! I hope this isn’t true! I mean if I don’t get to meet him, at least I can say HE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME! Of course in my case if he does look right at me it will be because I tripped and fell and knocked something over, probably fall off stage to boot.
I can see the disappointment. I mean you get all excited and tell everyone that you have won, but you don’t know what you have won. And everyone is ” oh you’ll get to meet him!” Now that I know before hand, I can let everyone know, hey I don’t get to meet Kid Rock, but I do get to make an ass out of myself on stage so take plenty of pictures! I’d been a bit ticked if I hadn’t known and then after the concert been asked ” so did ya get to meet him” ….. I’d have felt like a complete idiot!
Thank Goodness I only bought a new pair of jeans and not a new pair of shoes too! What a disaster that could have ended up being! 😉
Who knows, maybe next time!

Bye Bye Birdie

     The sun slowly rose over a warm blanket of green grass just as the last morning dew fell slowly down the edge of a burning red day lilly.
     Today is the day.
     The young fledgling looked over the edge of the nest, toward the ground. Then she turned and looked back at Momma Sparrow. With a faint in her heart and a tear in her eye, Momma Sparrow gave the alert. It’s your time. You are prepared for your new journey. I believe in you.
     With a call of acknowledgement and love the fledgling, Birdie, hopped on the edge. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and jumped. She felt the drop and for a brief moment forgot to catch the wind. Quickly she opened her eyes, raised her head and spread her wings. She climbed and climbed racing toward the rising sun. She twisted and turned, rose and dipped with each change of the wind. Before long she was soaring high in the morning sky.
     Back at the nest high in an old Weeping Willow tree, Momma Sparrow watched proudly as her little Birdie flew free. With each pass a tear rose in her heart. With each tear blew a memory of love through her feathers.
     Birdie landed high atop an old Oak tree. As she caught her breath she glanced back at the old Willow tree. At that moment, she knew. She was free. Free to be Birdie as Birdie was meant to be. And while Birdie will spread her wings and fly, she will pass over that old Weeping Willow tree every morning just as the sun rises over a warm blanket of green grass and the last of the morning dew falls slowly down the edge of a burning red day lilly.

Bringing In The New, Sometimes Means Letting Go Of The Old

When 2012 arrived, I sat and thought what did I want to resolve this year? I had already declared exercising would not make the list, seeing as it’s on the list every year and that’s about as far as it makes it. That declaration led to ” I am so not going to diet either”.
Then it came to me, it was time. Time for me to let go of all the issues I thought God & I had, and ask Him to lead me to my path. This came to me thru a moment in time when I thought as a Mother I was either going to be carted out in a straight jacket or hand cuffs, because I was on the edge of a psycho mom moment to which had I not fell to my knees; I may have never returned.
Before I knew it, I had fallen to my knees, and everything I had kept pent-up and locked away in my heart, my soul and all the hidden spots in my mind came out. I didn’t realize I was sobbing so hard until the moment came when I could finally breath. I felt as if 3 tons had been lifted from my chest and my shoulders. It was truly an Amazing Grace.
This may sound strange, but with all of this, I didn’t have set in my mind or my heart to seek out religion as a whole. Instead, I was seeking a relationship, my relationship with God. I was someone who spent a lifetime blaming God, running from him, questioning Him. I took responsibility for nothing. And when things went wrong, sometimes way wrong, I stood and threw my hands up…..”what NOW!” And when I would get an answer, I argued. Because I knew what was right for me. Who was HE to say different. Needless to say, it was a very long and bumpy road. Along this path, I have been led to religion, to a church family, to church friends.
I am one who has to understand everything. Factor into that by understanding everything, really all I have done is interpreted things in a manner in which I think I understand it. This usually leads me straight into a tangled mess. However, with prayer and much-needed guidance and a Bible Dictionary I make it through.
My journey so far hasn’t always been easy, yet it’s not as hard as it was. Because now I walk with God holding my hand. This doesn’t mean I am perfect or that I won’t mess something up. It simply means, I’m a work in progress.