To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Hide Under a Rock Day!

     So, its almost August. I hadn’t really thought about it, even knowing the kids are going back to school in a week. August. I’ve been dreading it since March.
     August. I can say on the plus side of this horrible word comes football pre season. Yet, its still……..August!
     Seems strange to dread a month that brings beautiful weather and the kids back to school. But I do.
     August 8th this year is the day! Its the day I as a member of the Kid Rock Congregation can pre book reservations to the 2013 Chillin the Most cruise.
     As a crazed KR fan I should be excited, right?!? So far from it. When I received the email last week notifying me of the day and time I can book, I almost broke down in tears. I was in the middle of cleaning a house when my phone buzzed. I think I froze when I read the subject line. I had to tell myself “you are a big girl, get over it!” And for the next two hours, I moved through the cleaning process in extreme slow motion. It was like my whole body was just way too heavy to move.
     Its not just that we can’t afford it, still! For some reason my husband thinks if we go on the cruise ….well I’m not real sure what he thinks. I can say he will never take me on that cruise. PLEASE! First, I don’t want KR, I. Want my husband forever & always. Second, PLEASE! KR doesn’t want me either!
     It is what it is.
     2013 is the 4th annual cruise I believe, maybe I’ll get to finally go on the 20th annual cruise.
     Still, I think I’ll hide under a rock on August 8th!

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