To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Feeling Bad

Do you ever feel like just throwing your hands in the air and screaming ” YOU WIN!!!!” ? That is pretty much where I am at the moment.

I am so tired. Exhausted does not even begin to describe how tired I am. I need a break. When I say a break, I mean that across the damn board. A break from absolutely everything. A permanent vacation from the real world. A break in finances so I can have a break from the real world. A break in my health. You get the idea.

Somewhere around seven years ago, I started feeling bad. Little things. Things I really couldn’t explain, nor could I find good descriptives of how I felt. Finally, I just started telling my husband and my doctor that I have bad blood. That is exactly how it felt. I swear I could FEEL my blood trying its hardest to push through my body. Trying so hard it made everything hurt. My biggest complaint at the time was my left leg ached so bad I would just sit and cry. I felt like I needed it rubbed, so I would ask my husband to rub it and it took all I had to not come up swinging and shouting. It hurt to just touch it. This wasn’t all the time, it came and went in spells. I had all kinds of crazy tests ran. One they actually hooked me up to some machine and inserted needles that shocked my nerves. Talk about fun. And, of course nothing. I was out of my mind.

Life went on and I learned to just deal with whatever the day decided to bring.

September 23, 2012 I decided I didn’t want to smoke anymore. Quit cold turkey. That, is shear hell, but effective. That journey is a whole different story.

About six, maybe eight months later I had routine blood work. I got a call to come in and talk to my doctor. I figured she wanted to adjust my thyroid medicine. I go in, sit down and she tells me my platelet numbers are sky high. She said they had always been slightly elevated, but that is normal for a smoker. Now, that I am no longer a smoker she started going over my numbers over the last two years and the numbers have been going up and up, and have not gone down since I had quit smoking. She had no idea what was going on, so she sent me to a blood specialist. I was over the top scared to death, because of course, I had been googling all of this. Blood specialist said there was nothing wrong with my blood, no cancer, nothing that he could help me with. He said my problem is that my bone marrow makes too many platelets which is making everything else out of control. He sends me to another doctor who sends me to another doctor, and eventually I end up at a Rheumatologist. Well, he takes one look at all my tests results and tells me I have CREST Syndrome, which is a whole bunch of disorders wrapped up into one nice little package.

It falls under Auto Immune, rheumatic, chronic, esophageal, lung, and heart diseases. And, I am sure I probably left something out. I have bad days, very bad days, and occasionally good days. Life is REALLY great when I have more then one good day in the same week.

When I was first diagnosed we tried a few different medications to try and help with the raynauds and others to help with the pain and inflammation. I hated the side effects of all of them. I refuse to take any medications for any of these things, except the acid reflux. I do take an over the counter for that. There are some days when I swear the acid reflux is going crush me to death. It has been really bad lately. EVERYTHING has been really bad lately. But, I have to participate in the real world, so I have to force myself out of bed and into life.

Over the last six years I have been on a weight gain, weight loss roller coaster. I have tried absolutely everything. I start to lose some pounds and my body starts laughing at me., and sends me a week long present. INFLAMMATION! It is so miserable. I mean it makes it hard to bend my fingers or toes, it just makes me miserable. To make matters worse that is when the bad blood episodes hit. I cry alot. In the dark where no one sees me. My family does not understand. To them, I ALWAYS feel bad, So, I try as hard as I can not to complain, or let them know how bad I feel. Lately, I just can not stand being in my own skin.

I found out a few weeks ago, I have mono. YAY! Thank you God of health. My doctor told me to go home and go to bed for a month. HA!!! As if I could REALLY do that. If my insurance would pay for it, I would pack us all up and move to the beach, rest there until the day I die. But, that is never going to happen, and I HAVE to go to work. I have been so inflammed for about three weeks now. I can not begin to tell you how bad I feel. And because I like to add insult to injury, I have been trying so hard to lose weight. Damn scale is going to get a bullet in it REALLY soon!!

I have researched food and exercise and auto immune and everything else. There is SOOOO much information out there, sifting through it all is a nightmare in itself. There is a diet protocal for persons with an auto immune disorder. Yet, when you search for that it isn’t a universal diet or way of eating, every other doctor has a different idea on what you should eat and what you shouldn’t. I paid for a nutritionist for three months, did not help. So, I have come to the conclusion I am in this all by myself. I suppose it is going to be a process of trial and error, and elimination. Which, is probably going to take forever, but hopefully I will make progress. Progress would be, lose weight and feel better. The part that scares me is exercise. UGH. I know nothing about weights, and I am not hiring a trainer.

So, I suppose much like everything else, I am in this alone. If you have read all of this, and you have suggestions, or advice, please pass it to me, I am game to try just about anything at this point. If you don’t have any suggestions or answers, share this, maybe someone you know somewhere does! And, I will try to remember to document my progress or failure here!

Peace!

Sports Bra Dance

Whomever designed the original sports bra actually meant for it to be a torture device. It’s the most miserable thing to put on and even more miserable to attempt to take off, especially if you really did work out.

So this weekend I was trying to put mine on. ๐Ÿคจ You see I said ” trying”, right? First let me tell you about my Sports Bra. I got it from Victoria Secrets a couple of years ago. Yes, I said VS. No, I do not have itty bitty tittys that only need band aids. This is the absolute BEST one I have ever had. A HUGE selling point was it zips up the front! Another it comes in bra sizes and finally it actually holds my sisters in place! Very very little bounce! I love this bra.

BBUT, this weekend I was having major issues. I’m in our bedroom half naked trying over and over and over to get this damn thing zipped. I’ve pulled and I’ve pushed and I’ve stuffed like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve jiggled and wiggled and tried stuffing again. I’ve turned side ways and the other side ways and half way around and tried stuffing AGAIN! I’ve preformed a few off balanced moves and jiggled some more. The damn zipper just will not cooperate. Won’t budge. And I’m mad.

At this point my husband walks in. He says ” what in the hell are you doing?” ๐Ÿ˜ณ ” Well, I am trying to put this damn bra on and it refuses to zip!” So, he thinks he can help. ” let me try” he says. Sure why not at this point whatever works! He tries and tries and then says ” well stuff them in some more” So, I try to stuff. Which I have to tell you, that was not the problem but for some reason both of us thought if I SMASH them in, the zipper will work. I don’t know why this was part of our thought process but it was. When that didn’t work he says ” well you are just going to have to take it off zip it up and then put it on” To which I said ” are you crazy? The whole reason I bought this was so I didn’t HAVE to put this on over my head!” He tells me I need to just buy a new one. Sure that’s a great idea but that doesn’t help me NOW! He then asks ” well are you going to work out NOW?” ” No, I’m not going to work out NOW” he then asks ” well why are you putting it on?” ” because I’m going out to work in the yard and I want to wear this ( holding up a cool clearance find at the Nike outlet – a tankish kind of top) and I can’t wear my regular bra with it that would look dumb” he said a few choice cuss words then said ” ok I’m going to hold this together and you pull” ๐Ÿ˜ฌ GOT IT! WooHoo! WooHoo! Team effort to get the sports bra on! His parting words to me were ” you’re something else” ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜˜

Yes, yes I am and he wouldn’t trade me or my Sports Bra Dance for anything else……. I don’t think !

โœŒ๐Ÿผ Julesb6a81c34c848b09c79697df3d2cee22c

I Quit Dieting…Tomorrow

Four and a half years ago I quit smoking. Cold turkey. There wasn’t anything easy about it.  That in itself is a whole other topic. However, it led to this one. 

Three months after quitting I had put on well over 20 pounds. Another month later and 10 more pounds. 

Since putting on all of those pounds I have tried every diet I could find. I spent way to much money on crazy fads, crazier promises and insanely crazy foods. A lot of those worked to take off a quick 10 pounds. One, which I actually stuck to for half a year took off 20 pounds. All have returned with a deep desire to not only hate me, but make me miserable. 

Mostly, I have become my own worse enemy. Whatever the crazy diet is for this week, I dive full force into. And I see results. I get so excited about those results, and I post them everywhere and tell everyone. ” hey got on the scales this week, another 3 pounds for a total of 9 pounds” whomever it is congratulates me and probably rolls their eyes because they are well over hearing my success story of losing the same 9 pounds for the last 2 years. Personally, I’m sick of hearing it too. Because here is what happens: I get so excited I’m down 9 pounds I think ” it’s ok it I have the chips and salsa and a jumbo margarita tonight, I deserve it and I’ll be right back on track tomorrow no big deal” guess what, it becomes a big deal. Those few chips and that margarita ALWAYS turn into more. That more then has me so disgusted with myself I eat more. Makes loads of sense doesn’t it? No. It doesn’t. But, that’s emotional eating. Add to that I have found I eat when I would have normally had a cigarette. This is eating that I have not made a conscious decision to do. ( I know, I’m beginning to border on insane here…. just hang with me)

The emotional eating I get. Everyone does it. Some get stuck in a vicious cycle of it. I think that’s probably a whole other topic as well. 

Eating in place of smoking. I never really noticed I was doing it. Until tonight. Got up to go to the bathroom when I was done I stopped at the cabinet and grabbed a cookie. As I was eating I asked myself why on the hell was I eating this cookie? I’m actually full so I’m not hungry. It’s not the best cookie ever made so I didn’t really crave it. Come to think about it this is not the first time tonight I’ve done this. Or the first time this week. I’ve done it over and over for, well ever it seems like. And this is food that doesn’t get entered into my daily log. Five years ago when I would have gotten up to go potty I’d have grabbed a cigarette and had a couple puffs. Talking on the phone is fine outside and smoked one or two or however many until I was finished. Now, I finish off the Doritos. After sex, no cigarette instead a Hostess cupcake, which are so much smaller then they use to be. 

 What do I do? No Diet is ever gonna work at this rate. Only thing keeping it at a 30 pound gain instead of a 100 pound gain is because I attempt to stay slightly active. 

My idea is to attempt to cure my addiction. It seems all I did was swap one addiction for the other. Personally, I’d rather be a skinny smoker. But, I’m really not interested in smoking again. So, just like I quit smoking I am going to quit dieting. 

I am going to document everything. Try to figure out what triggers what. How to work around the cravings and replace unhealthy foods with healthy ones. I’m going to do all of this right here on my blog for all the world to help me along. ( although no one ever reads or shares these, but at least in the back of my mind I think someone is…)

Since it’s way past my bedtime, tomorrow starts day 1. 

Please feel free to share these. Please comment with words of encouragement or advice, or tell me how stupid you think I am, at least then I know I am being heard. 

I hope I don’t lose my mind and cry like a baby …..

โœŒ๐Ÿผ

No More Mr. Nice Repair Guy!

Well, the washing machine repair kid showed up yesterday! Yes, I said kid, and no it was not the same repair man who has been our washing machines care provider for the past 2 years. Something tells me he begged and pleaded, then ended up having to trade in some of his vacation time to NOT have to come to the aid of our washing machine.

Here, I must tell you, upon his arrival, we already knew what was wrong with it. Sunday night, Scott took the front cover off to drain and clean out the drain trap thingy. I am telling you it looked like a bomb went off in there. Scott, bless his heart, goes into this long drawn out explanation which had something to do with bearings. And I will be straight out honest, I really didn’t care. The thing is a piece of shit, it has been a piece of shit since we bought it, and that is really all I need to know! Since, I am being honest, I was in the middle of TRYING NOT to burn dinner, which I was about half successful with, as well as attempting to watch the football game in hopes of Tebow getting his ass handed to him! So, when Scott comes to me with a pan of water to ask if I see all the little metal bearing shavings, I just nod my head and curse at myself for having let my roast in the oven get all dried up. Now to me, what I saw in the bottom of that pan, all be it I only glanced for a half of a milli- second, but it appeared to me to be coal dust. ( which I will try not to get on that rant at this moment) I mean, what do I know or what do I WANT to know about bearings? NOTHING! ZIP! ZILCH! On into supper and even well after supper the washing machine discussion continues. Which goes from bearings to front loaders to balancing the load to my thoughts on front loaders in general and my opinion of what the repair and warranty company will and won’t cover, based on our over all in general lack of good luck all the way around. Scott was amazed that due to what he seen had happened within the inter-makings ofย  the washing machine that the thing didn’t freeze up and lock up. I said IT DID! And I called them, the woman told me to unplug it for 60 seconds, which I did, she then told me to plug it back in, which I did, and SHAZAM! The washing machine came back on, unlocked! I just stood there and looked at that like, well I’ll be damned who’d a thought! And then went back about my laundry duties!

Now comes the repair kid. I take him to the washing machine, go thru pretty much all of the above, minus a few things. He then goes into this long drawn out explanation using technically correct words, or phrases, that I have never heard before in my life, about the bearings failing ( which all that means is whatever in the heck bearings are, fell out of where they are suppose to be) which when that happened it cracked the tub, not drum to which I referred to it as and he quickly corrected me, which then threw the whole tub out of balance which then busted the balancing arm thingy (which is not the technical term, and which looks nothing like what you would picture anything that has the word arm in it to look like). Apparently, I am one who’s facial expressions pretty much says it all. Because after his technical break down. He says ” o.k., here let me show you” so on his little micro computer thing, he pulls up an illustration, ( see I can use technical terms) of this exact make of washing machine and how each part fits together. LIKE I REALLY CARE!!!???? Again, it’s a piece of shit, it has been a piece of shit, we all know that, now what in the hell is someone going to do about it? That’s all I need to know, cause I have laundry stacking up to the ceiling!!!!!! Once he has finished with his technical break down, I say to him ” I bet 90% of your washing machine repair calls are on front loaders” to which he replies in a very serious manner, ” Actually, all of our washing machine repair calls are on front loaders, 90% would be on this particular make of Whirlpools front loaders” HMPF! Take that he thinks, so I retreat to my couch and turn on Tabetha Takes Over on Bravo!!!!! Snot nosed little kid using technical terms putting me in my place for having bought a cheap ass front loader!!!!!

He takes the thing apart, apparently just to justify that what all I explained to him, along with Scotts input when he came in, as well as what he had explained to each of us, was in fact what had happened. According to him, on that 90% of repair calls to this particular make or model or both of Whirlpools front loaders more then 50% is the bearings failing. Let me tell you, there is something a whole lot more then “failing” going on when whatever the heck a bearing is can completely destroy a plastic TUBย  and concrete balancing arm thingy! Well, his and Scotts assumption of what had happened was indeed verified. After putting all the parts back together, which seemed completely pointless to me, and calling whoever it was that has to approve or disapprove everything, this kid comes to me and says ” they have deemed your washer uneconomically repairable due to the severe damage caused by a failed bearing” ( mossy those are actually his exact words, cause he read it right off the paper he gave me!) I am suppose to call them today so someone can offer me a replacement deal. Which probably means I am going to get screwed, so I figure I might as well go ahead and ask if they have any 1972 olive green or harvest gold top loaders available while I got them in the mood to wheel and deal an offer!

And let me tell you I am sooooooooo glad we could NOT afford the front loader STEAM washing machine! Picture THAT! Not only would we now have miniaturized doll clothes in our closet but poor Christian would be on standby at the fire department ALL the time!

Oh, and in case you don’t already know, Tebow did NOT get his ass handed to him….in overtime with the first possession, Tebow handed the Steelers their asses. And in the midst of all the washing machine discussions, I did not find out who plays the damn cheese heads this weekend, but whoever it is, I will be rooting for them in hopes they hand Rodgers his ass!

August 2, 2017

This is a very old post, but the whole washer ordeal continues to haunt me. Since this washing machine left my torturous clutch, so have two more washers. I am now on the very last MODERN washing machine my husband will ever pay money for. I am just not sure why I continue to torture poor washing machines. I suppose it is much the same as I continue to burn food beyond recognition. Well, that is until I got this new stove that I can actually set to turn off when time is up. PLUS it signs to me until I take the food out! But, that is a whole different Julie issue.

Enjoy Today my friends!