Feeling Bad

Do you ever feel like just throwing your hands in the air and screaming ” YOU WIN!!!!” ? That is pretty much where I am at the moment.

I am so tired. Exhausted does not even begin to describe how tired I am. I need a break. When I say a break, I mean that across the damn board. A break from absolutely everything. A permanent vacation from the real world. A break in finances so I can have a break from the real world. A break in my health. You get the idea.

Somewhere around seven years ago, I started feeling bad. Little things. Things I really couldn’t explain, nor could I find good descriptives of how I felt. Finally, I just started telling my husband and my doctor that I have bad blood. That is exactly how it felt. I swear I could FEEL my blood trying its hardest to push through my body. Trying so hard it made everything hurt. My biggest complaint at the time was my left leg ached so bad I would just sit and cry. I felt like I needed it rubbed, so I would ask my husband to rub it and it took all I had to not come up swinging and shouting. It hurt to just touch it. This wasn’t all the time, it came and went in spells. I had all kinds of crazy tests ran. One they actually hooked me up to some machine and inserted needles that shocked my nerves. Talk about fun. And, of course nothing. I was out of my mind.

Life went on and I learned to just deal with whatever the day decided to bring.

September 23, 2012 I decided I didn’t want to smoke anymore. Quit cold turkey. That, is shear hell, but effective. That journey is a whole different story.

About six, maybe eight months later I had routine blood work. I got a call to come in and talk to my doctor. I figured she wanted to adjust my thyroid medicine. I go in, sit down and she tells me my platelet numbers are sky high. She said they had always been slightly elevated, but that is normal for a smoker. Now, that I am no longer a smoker she started going over my numbers over the last two years and the numbers have been going up and up, and have not gone down since I had quit smoking. She had no idea what was going on, so she sent me to a blood specialist. I was over the top scared to death, because of course, I had been googling all of this. Blood specialist said there was nothing wrong with my blood, no cancer, nothing that he could help me with. He said my problem is that my bone marrow makes too many platelets which is making everything else out of control. He sends me to another doctor who sends me to another doctor, and eventually I end up at a Rheumatologist. Well, he takes one look at all my tests results and tells me I have CREST Syndrome, which is a whole bunch of disorders wrapped up into one nice little package.

It falls under Auto Immune, rheumatic, chronic, esophageal, lung, and heart diseases. And, I am sure I probably left something out. I have bad days, very bad days, and occasionally good days. Life is REALLY great when I have more then one good day in the same week.

When I was first diagnosed we tried a few different medications to try and help with the raynauds and others to help with the pain and inflammation. I hated the side effects of all of them. I refuse to take any medications for any of these things, except the acid reflux. I do take an over the counter for that. There are some days when I swear the acid reflux is going crush me to death. It has been really bad lately. EVERYTHING has been really bad lately. But, I have to participate in the real world, so I have to force myself out of bed and into life.

Over the last six years I have been on a weight gain, weight loss roller coaster. I have tried absolutely everything. I start to lose some pounds and my body starts laughing at me., and sends me a week long present. INFLAMMATION! It is so miserable. I mean it makes it hard to bend my fingers or toes, it just makes me miserable. To make matters worse that is when the bad blood episodes hit. I cry alot. In the dark where no one sees me. My family does not understand. To them, I ALWAYS feel bad, So, I try as hard as I can not to complain, or let them know how bad I feel. Lately, I just can not stand being in my own skin.

I found out a few weeks ago, I have mono. YAY! Thank you God of health. My doctor told me to go home and go to bed for a month. HA!!! As if I could REALLY do that. If my insurance would pay for it, I would pack us all up and move to the beach, rest there until the day I die. But, that is never going to happen, and I HAVE to go to work. I have been so inflammed for about three weeks now. I can not begin to tell you how bad I feel. And because I like to add insult to injury, I have been trying so hard to lose weight. Damn scale is going to get a bullet in it REALLY soon!!

I have researched food and exercise and auto immune and everything else. There is SOOOO much information out there, sifting through it all is a nightmare in itself. There is a diet protocal for persons with an auto immune disorder. Yet, when you search for that it isn’t a universal diet or way of eating, every other doctor has a different idea on what you should eat and what you shouldn’t. I paid for a nutritionist for three months, did not help. So, I have come to the conclusion I am in this all by myself. I suppose it is going to be a process of trial and error, and elimination. Which, is probably going to take forever, but hopefully I will make progress. Progress would be, lose weight and feel better. The part that scares me is exercise. UGH. I know nothing about weights, and I am not hiring a trainer.

So, I suppose much like everything else, I am in this alone. If you have read all of this, and you have suggestions, or advice, please pass it to me, I am game to try just about anything at this point. If you don’t have any suggestions or answers, share this, maybe someone you know somewhere does! And, I will try to remember to document my progress or failure here!

Peace!

I Quit Dieting…Tomorrow

Four and a half years ago I quit smoking. Cold turkey. There wasn’t anything easy about it.  That in itself is a whole other topic. However, it led to this one. 

Three months after quitting I had put on well over 20 pounds. Another month later and 10 more pounds. 

Since putting on all of those pounds I have tried every diet I could find. I spent way to much money on crazy fads, crazier promises and insanely crazy foods. A lot of those worked to take off a quick 10 pounds. One, which I actually stuck to for half a year took off 20 pounds. All have returned with a deep desire to not only hate me, but make me miserable. 

Mostly, I have become my own worse enemy. Whatever the crazy diet is for this week, I dive full force into. And I see results. I get so excited about those results, and I post them everywhere and tell everyone. ” hey got on the scales this week, another 3 pounds for a total of 9 pounds” whomever it is congratulates me and probably rolls their eyes because they are well over hearing my success story of losing the same 9 pounds for the last 2 years. Personally, I’m sick of hearing it too. Because here is what happens: I get so excited I’m down 9 pounds I think ” it’s ok it I have the chips and salsa and a jumbo margarita tonight, I deserve it and I’ll be right back on track tomorrow no big deal” guess what, it becomes a big deal. Those few chips and that margarita ALWAYS turn into more. That more then has me so disgusted with myself I eat more. Makes loads of sense doesn’t it? No. It doesn’t. But, that’s emotional eating. Add to that I have found I eat when I would have normally had a cigarette. This is eating that I have not made a conscious decision to do. ( I know, I’m beginning to border on insane here…. just hang with me)

The emotional eating I get. Everyone does it. Some get stuck in a vicious cycle of it. I think that’s probably a whole other topic as well. 

Eating in place of smoking. I never really noticed I was doing it. Until tonight. Got up to go to the bathroom when I was done I stopped at the cabinet and grabbed a cookie. As I was eating I asked myself why on the hell was I eating this cookie? I’m actually full so I’m not hungry. It’s not the best cookie ever made so I didn’t really crave it. Come to think about it this is not the first time tonight I’ve done this. Or the first time this week. I’ve done it over and over for, well ever it seems like. And this is food that doesn’t get entered into my daily log. Five years ago when I would have gotten up to go potty I’d have grabbed a cigarette and had a couple puffs. Talking on the phone is fine outside and smoked one or two or however many until I was finished. Now, I finish off the Doritos. After sex, no cigarette instead a Hostess cupcake, which are so much smaller then they use to be. 

 What do I do? No Diet is ever gonna work at this rate. Only thing keeping it at a 30 pound gain instead of a 100 pound gain is because I attempt to stay slightly active. 

My idea is to attempt to cure my addiction. It seems all I did was swap one addiction for the other. Personally, I’d rather be a skinny smoker. But, I’m really not interested in smoking again. So, just like I quit smoking I am going to quit dieting. 

I am going to document everything. Try to figure out what triggers what. How to work around the cravings and replace unhealthy foods with healthy ones. I’m going to do all of this right here on my blog for all the world to help me along. ( although no one ever reads or shares these, but at least in the back of my mind I think someone is…)

Since it’s way past my bedtime, tomorrow starts day 1. 

Please feel free to share these. Please comment with words of encouragement or advice, or tell me how stupid you think I am, at least then I know I am being heard. 

I hope I don’t lose my mind and cry like a baby …..

✌🏼

Things I’ve Learned About Running

I am no fitness expert. Not a running expert either. In fact I know nothing about fitness and only a slight bit more then that about running.
I’m not even sure what I have began is considered running at all. It’s probably more of a light jog on the treadmill. I’ve only been at it for two weeks. My goal is to run a 5 K in May.
All that being said, the following is what I have learned about running thus far!
• Choose your playlist very carefully! You want music that will keep you motivated, but will NOT bring out the 80’s head banging or hustle & flow moves because THAT does not end well on a treadmill!
• Have a water bottle which allows you to squirt the water into your mouth versus having to unscrew the lid and drink. On the plus side of the latter, you can play it off as you really worked up one heck of a sweat! 😉
• Wear TWO sports bras- that should be self explanatory
• DO NOT GET ON THE TREADMILL WHEN IT IS SET ON FULL SPEED AHEAD! EVEN IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON- SUPER BAD IDEA!
• Do not position the treadmill so it is anywhere near the ping pong table, that is if you have one. For some reason the person on the side which has them facing you occasionally feels the need to slam the ball as if they are attempting to hit a home run- and yes I am aware home runs don’t exist in ping pong- that’s my point!
• I won’t bring up the dart board, now that I think about it, probably should move the treadmill at this point!
• When your dog comes up and sits and stares at you, do not bend over to let him! Even if you are holding o !
• Stretch before & after
• Stay hydrated ( remember squirt bottle)
• Breath thru both your nose and mouth, more oxygen, less of a headache!
• Set realistic goals
• ALWAYS potty TWICE before you get on the treadmill, cause on e you get going you are still going to think you have to go!
My final words of novice wisdom: try to time your running playlist so you end your run with a song like Queens ” We Are The Champions” or Kid Rocks ” Never Met A Mother Fucker Quite Like Me ” Trust me, when you feel like your either going to puke or passout and you’ve lost your HMPF with one minute left- one of those songs come on and you push yourself through that last minute and get off the treadmill with an attitude like HELL YEAH I DID IT!
Until next time, keep your feet on the ground!