To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!

✌🏼😘

Not Me

By now we all know that a woman from Massachusetts won a huge amount of money. We all know her name, her age and many more things about her. Sadly, I have to inform you it was not me. I did buy two tickets. I knew it wasn’t going to be me so there was no way I was going to go broke trying to appease the lottery Gods.

On that Thursday morning after the drawing I saw all these posts popping up on social media. They were of her coming out of the lottery office for the first time after coming forward. People were being down right horrible in their comments. Just bashing her about her chewing her gum. Could you imagine? I mean you find out you are the sole winner of an insane amount of money, I imagine there is a moment of complete shock. Kind of like ” SHUT UP! ” with your jaw dropped and you feel like you can’t catch your breath kind of moment. I would think I’d sit down and just cry. I would cry like I have not ever cried before and I would let it all go, everything cause damn it I can go buy myself a good bra now!!! So you get all your shit together take it all in and you go to the Powerball office. Not thinking this is a big deal for anyone other then you. You are sitting in the office filling out whatever they have for you to fill out and someone mentions the media is there. 😮 ” What? Wait? Who?…….. oh hell no, I’m not going out there. Shit. Are you serious? Can’t I just climb out that window? This is no one else’s business but my own I’m not going on tv!!! You have got to be kidding me! Ok I need a cigarette. What the hell do you mean no smoking inside??? You people are pissing me off. I can’t go out there. Ok. I can do this. Does someone have some gum?” I mean come on think about? I haven’t smoked for 5 years but I’d want a cigarette. I mean this kind of thing doesn’t happen to normal people. It does not happen to me. And now that it has I have to go out and smile in front of media? Oh damn it. I’d chomp that gum like the new multi millionaire I am and talk all your smack cause guess what, yup you aren’t getting a dime of it. 😬 That’s right. OWN IT GIRL!!

What happens next? The rest of us will continue to dream knowing we won’t ever get to retire because we skipped class on the day they were teaching planning for your future. And this woman, man how exciting! I’d love to be on her first real shopping trip with her. Will she let loose and buy those $200 jeans and $500 boots because she can? Or will she still be like ” but they are just jeans who in the hell spends $200 on jeans? Not this girl I don’t care how much money I have!” See, I love shoes and purses and cars 😊 That being said I’m not sure even if I did spend $500 on a pair of shoes I’d have it in my heart to wear them OUTSIDE! Although I’d love to know how those shoes feel or how $200 jeans feel. But, it’s not me, it’s someone else. What will she go wild with? It would be very interesting to know.

I wish her well. The best of everything for the rest of her life. I hope she doesn’t allow people to use her and I hope she doesn’t become jaded. All the best for her! All the best!

Live

Love

Laugh

Til next time~ Jules

Prepping for Prep

Tomorrow is grocery day. 🙄

After going to the grocery store I will have to prep for the next week, or at least for my lunches. If I do not prep, I’ll eat anything I can throw in a bag and take to work with me. 

For some of you this prep process may be easy, but for me it is extremely time consuming. I did a great job for about 2 weeks when I tried to eat completely clean. Turns out I have to prep for prep. Healthy eating is very expensive. I have to figure out meals for the entire week and break those down then break it down farther into what I can actually afford and what I’ll really eat. 🙁 That in itself should earn a person ” automatic calorie burn” points. Especially given I am not an organized person. Nope. Not one little bit. I make my list I always start it with ” Milk” and instead of following the store from that point I go to  razors, dog food, sour cream, cereal, chips, body wash….. you get the point. Even when I try to put my mind to grouping things together as they belong, I stand in the store and look at my list like ” WTF IS THIS SHIT?” My brain can’t comprehend it, so I’m loose in Hell Mart with a list I can’t follow and a shopping cart EARLY SATURDAY MORNING. Periodically I check the list to see if maybe I managed to be somewhere on track just to notice SHIT I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE DAIRY SECTION and since I’m back tracking remember the tea bags!!! I get half way back to the dairy section and get side tracked by the stand of pepperonis they have smack dab in the middle of nowhere so you damn near run over them. Get home no Mozzarella and nontea bags. Every week! 

Yet, I still do all this researching recipes and calories and fat and carbs and on and on to prep for prepping just to nlownit all out of the water . BUT I do have cute little pink and blue divided containers for my prepped meals. 😬 ( which I was informed I did not need!) 😔

Oh how I wish I could afford to pay someone to just prep for me. 

Changing the subject, I received lots of feedback on my post from yesterday. Thank you all. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that struggles with the same issues. Sadly, today I have ate badly all day. It’s been one of those days. Bought me some Muddie Buddies and ate the whole bag. Yup. With a Diet Coke. Then I went and got my eyebrows waxed. 🤷‍♀️ 

I also received lots of advice, which I absolutely appreciate. It’s hard for me not to buy snacks and bring them in the house. Not because of me, but because this is what I hear :

” I thought you went to the store? What the hell did you buy because there’s nothing in this cabinet!”

” there’s nothing to eat!”

” Just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean we have to starve!”

And the comments go on and on. So, I try to buy things I THINK I won’t eat. Strangely enough, when I am emotionally eating or blind eating as I am calling it, it doesn’t really matter if it’s my favorite or not. 

I must tell you, I kind of lied. As I try to work through this eating issue I have and eat healthy I will be on the Omni Drops in hopes of losing a few pounds to get things kicked into gear. I’m still not referring to it as a diet though. 

So, hope you still stick with me as I go through this day by day. 

I didn’t keep track of food today, as I started the day with awesome French toast and somewhere there in the middle I had a bag of Muddy Buddies I didn’t really want to know how many calories or carbs I took in!!!

Things I’ve Learned About Running

I am no fitness expert. Not a running expert either. In fact I know nothing about fitness and only a slight bit more then that about running.
I’m not even sure what I have began is considered running at all. It’s probably more of a light jog on the treadmill. I’ve only been at it for two weeks. My goal is to run a 5 K in May.
All that being said, the following is what I have learned about running thus far!
• Choose your playlist very carefully! You want music that will keep you motivated, but will NOT bring out the 80’s head banging or hustle & flow moves because THAT does not end well on a treadmill!
• Have a water bottle which allows you to squirt the water into your mouth versus having to unscrew the lid and drink. On the plus side of the latter, you can play it off as you really worked up one heck of a sweat! 😉
• Wear TWO sports bras- that should be self explanatory
• DO NOT GET ON THE TREADMILL WHEN IT IS SET ON FULL SPEED AHEAD! EVEN IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON- SUPER BAD IDEA!
• Do not position the treadmill so it is anywhere near the ping pong table, that is if you have one. For some reason the person on the side which has them facing you occasionally feels the need to slam the ball as if they are attempting to hit a home run- and yes I am aware home runs don’t exist in ping pong- that’s my point!
• I won’t bring up the dart board, now that I think about it, probably should move the treadmill at this point!
• When your dog comes up and sits and stares at you, do not bend over to let him! Even if you are holding o !
• Stretch before & after
• Stay hydrated ( remember squirt bottle)
• Breath thru both your nose and mouth, more oxygen, less of a headache!
• Set realistic goals
• ALWAYS potty TWICE before you get on the treadmill, cause on e you get going you are still going to think you have to go!
My final words of novice wisdom: try to time your running playlist so you end your run with a song like Queens ” We Are The Champions” or Kid Rocks ” Never Met A Mother Fucker Quite Like Me ” Trust me, when you feel like your either going to puke or passout and you’ve lost your HMPF with one minute left- one of those songs come on and you push yourself through that last minute and get off the treadmill with an attitude like HELL YEAH I DID IT!
Until next time, keep your feet on the ground!

Chocolate Bandit ( purely for fun!)

BREAKING NEWS….PATOKADELPHIA…..: Chocolate Thief HAS been identified! Local Heiress to River Bottoms Fortune was nabbed early this afternoon while sitting on her couch in her bath robe, with her cat on her lap eating reported stolen chocolate. Details are still sketchy at this time. We will follow this story as it develops!
John J D White wrongfully accused suspect turns out to be hero in investigation. haha
……..Local mail man was questioned after witnesses saw him teasing a chiuaua with what appeared to be a chocolate bar. After further investigation, mail man was released for co operating with Chocolate Investigators. What was thought to be a chocolate bar, was in fact a rubber remote control toy! Unfortunately for mail man, due to his co operation on the apprehension of the Heiress, he has been ejected from the will of Heiress, and no longer stands to gain the power of her Cat Kingdom!

In breaking news, Patokadelphia Heiress has admitted to eating chocolate. A spokesperson for the Chocolate Investigation Crime Unit ( C.I.C.U.) reports that Heiress confessed to having consumed chocolate. Reports are still a sketchy, but it appears Heiress consumed chocolate under duress while being held captive in a corner by hissing cat. It is … See More-also reported that Heiress did not steal the chocolate herself. She has claimed that the chocolate magically appeared at her door with a note from a local Daycare owner stating simply: ” I did this for you “. The Daycare owner in question has not been apprehended at press time

.Stacy White-Allen *whispers* Daycare owner has gone into hiding in an undisclosed location (her house) and will assuredly plead the fifth. She has many little-bitty alibis (i mean accomplices) to make her case strong.

In today’s news, C.I.C.U. ( get it *see i see you!ha*) investigators tried to question a fore mentioned Daycare owner. Upon arrival of the not-so-secret lair of the D.O., investigators were malled by what they describe as tiny sucker yeilding oompa lumpa’s. Investigators were last seen running wild on the south side of the Big City. reports suggest they were waving their hands frantically and screaming incoherently. An insider has suggested that members of the C.A.R.S. ( Crazy Ass Riotors Service) unit have been deployed to apprehend the C.I.C.U. Investigators.

In other news, it has been reported that local River Bottoms Heiress has in fact named the benefactor who stands to inherit the much sought after Cat Kingdom. An anonymous source says that Strawberry Shortcake has in fact been named the new benefactor. This change in the Heiresses will stems from her brother having named the Heiress as the Chocolate thief. The brother, in his much distraught state over this change of the will was found in a creek with hip high boots on in an hysterical state screaming ” WHO WANTS THOSE MANGY CRITTERS ANYWAY!”

More on this story as it develops, back to you Bob!

SHUT UP!

If you know me, or if you follow my blog, then you know I am a HUGE Kid Rock fan.
Big deal right? I mean most people are a huge fan of someone or something! What makes me any different or special in a fan kind of way? Nothing at all, on a normal day.
February 12th was NOT a normal day, and neither will April 1rst be.
April 1rst is the Kid Rock concert my son and I are going to.

I should probably rewind some of this so everyone else can understand what on earth I am talking about. I’m sure right now it all sounds either crazy or in code.
Being a member of the Kid Rock fan club, Rebel Soldiers, I was able to enter a contest called ” Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity”. Two winners would be picked for each concert venue already on the schedule. No other details. That’s it. So, of course I entered! I entered daily for a week, then they closed the contest.
Sometime after 9 PM on February 12 th I checked my emails via my phone before going to bed. I had an email that said I was a winner for the concert I had chosen. All I had to do was respond to the email with verification I was in fact a fan club member and I do have a ticket for that concert. My first reply to the email said this: ” SHUT UP! Is this for real!?” To which I received an immediate reply that yes it was in fact for real and please submit the verification requested. So I did.
I then receive an email telling me what to do on the day of the concert. That’s it! Nothing else.
Well, at that point I was thinking ” there is no way this is real” Which in checking the fan forum, apparently no one else believed it was real either. For some crazy odd reason, that told me it was in fact real. But why was it so cryptic? No one on the fan forum was talking about their experience at the concerts as winners. Why? Now, it passed cryptic and sailed straight on to creepy.
In talking with another fan, who won for the concert the night before the concert I won for, we wandered …. Are they kidnapping people? I mean cause Jeepers a Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity and no one is posting anywhere about it? No pictures NOTHING! ANYWHERE! So that’s it, now we know…. Someone is kidnapping Kid Rock fans! Great!
Luckily, someone finally posted!

It seems they expected way more than what the actual prize ended up being. I think the words they used were something like “complete bullshit, nowhere near the epic experience I thought I was going to get”
Now, I’m going to stop here to tell you before thinking fans were being kidnapped, I had been saying things like ” I’ll probably get a free hotdog and drink” or ” they will have me mop the stage” because in fact a Once in a Lifetime Fan Opportunity would be anything outside the normal buying a ticket to the concert experience, right? Right!
Still all the while hoping I’d get to meet him.
Well, the prize is, during the last song of the concert, the winners for each show get to stand on the stage and clap while Kid Rock signs and performs the last set.
Now, according to the fan that was completely disappointed, he doesn’t even look the winners way! I hope this isn’t true! I mean if I don’t get to meet him, at least I can say HE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME! Of course in my case if he does look right at me it will be because I tripped and fell and knocked something over, probably fall off stage to boot.
I can see the disappointment. I mean you get all excited and tell everyone that you have won, but you don’t know what you have won. And everyone is ” oh you’ll get to meet him!” Now that I know before hand, I can let everyone know, hey I don’t get to meet Kid Rock, but I do get to make an ass out of myself on stage so take plenty of pictures! I’d been a bit ticked if I hadn’t known and then after the concert been asked ” so did ya get to meet him” ….. I’d have felt like a complete idiot!
Thank Goodness I only bought a new pair of jeans and not a new pair of shoes too! What a disaster that could have ended up being! 😉
Who knows, maybe next time!