Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.
There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.
Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.
Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.
Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.
And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.
The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.
On a normal basis I don’t drive my husbands vehicle. This past Saturday I wanted to go to my parents to have coffee with my Mom. My car has had a tire issue for a couple weeks, Saturday was no different. After having worked a double shift, my husband was in no mood to get up and put air in my tire. So, I took his car.
After coffee, I came home changed my clothes, told my husband I was going to the store, aired up my own tire and off I went.
On my way home from the store, I noticed my dogs were at the convienence store. I stop to find out why. My Hubby and the kids had walked over and I guess the dogs tagged along. ( this is a key point, so try to remember it)
Sunday, our daughter & I went to church. When we returned my husband was franticly trying to find his keys. Honoestly, I couldn’t remember where I had put them the morning before….I mean I lose mine so often I put a long cord on them so I can find them! We tore the house apart. No keys. He decided to give up after an all day search, stating he’d look tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow came and I got a call at work. He couldn’t find them. I told him to calm down I’d look when I get home.
I get home and completely tare everything apart. The beds the couch, everything was moved and turned upside down and inside out. No keys. We came to the conclussion our daughter had hid them. I searched the yard and both cars, AGAIN!
I went over and over it with him. Where I thought I put them, remembering at that point I had gotten them off the top of the fridge and had in fact put them back. After going over and over and over who did what and where who puts what and how well each of us do or don’t look for things, he says to me ” I don’t lose my *u*k*ng keys”………well now Mr. I don’t lose my bleeping keys, tell me where they are then. Now he’s too pissed to talk about it. UGH!
Then all of a sudden he asks me, “when u stopped at TM on your way home, where were you coming home from?” I answered “the store” he said “ok while you were gone I went out to my car to get fruit snacks and I got pissed because you had thrown my stash all over the car ( by stash, he hoards the snacks he takes for lunch in his car) so we walked to TM……” at that point I thought I was going to fly across the room and choke him, cause he had this HUGE shit eatin grin on his face and I knew, he knew exactly where those keys were. He continues with ” I may have layed them on the counter and I may have left them there” I felt a psycho moment fester up. I turned walked out and walked to TM. Before I could get the entire question out, she turns picks them up and says “they’ve been here since Saturday”. I march home, as I throw them at him I say “here’s your keys Mr. I don’t bleeping lose my keys!” After saying Thank You, this is what he says to me, “I am so happy you found them. I so did not want to drive your car and have a flat tire when I get off of work!” REALLY? REALLY? So NOT the right thing to say to the girl that has to air her own tire up 3 times a day!!!