To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!

✌🏼😘

Not Me

By now we all know that a woman from Massachusetts won a huge amount of money. We all know her name, her age and many more things about her. Sadly, I have to inform you it was not me. I did buy two tickets. I knew it wasn’t going to be me so there was no way I was going to go broke trying to appease the lottery Gods.

On that Thursday morning after the drawing I saw all these posts popping up on social media. They were of her coming out of the lottery office for the first time after coming forward. People were being down right horrible in their comments. Just bashing her about her chewing her gum. Could you imagine? I mean you find out you are the sole winner of an insane amount of money, I imagine there is a moment of complete shock. Kind of like ” SHUT UP! ” with your jaw dropped and you feel like you can’t catch your breath kind of moment. I would think I’d sit down and just cry. I would cry like I have not ever cried before and I would let it all go, everything cause damn it I can go buy myself a good bra now!!! So you get all your shit together take it all in and you go to the Powerball office. Not thinking this is a big deal for anyone other then you. You are sitting in the office filling out whatever they have for you to fill out and someone mentions the media is there. 😮 ” What? Wait? Who?…….. oh hell no, I’m not going out there. Shit. Are you serious? Can’t I just climb out that window? This is no one else’s business but my own I’m not going on tv!!! You have got to be kidding me! Ok I need a cigarette. What the hell do you mean no smoking inside??? You people are pissing me off. I can’t go out there. Ok. I can do this. Does someone have some gum?” I mean come on think about? I haven’t smoked for 5 years but I’d want a cigarette. I mean this kind of thing doesn’t happen to normal people. It does not happen to me. And now that it has I have to go out and smile in front of media? Oh damn it. I’d chomp that gum like the new multi millionaire I am and talk all your smack cause guess what, yup you aren’t getting a dime of it. 😬 That’s right. OWN IT GIRL!!

What happens next? The rest of us will continue to dream knowing we won’t ever get to retire because we skipped class on the day they were teaching planning for your future. And this woman, man how exciting! I’d love to be on her first real shopping trip with her. Will she let loose and buy those $200 jeans and $500 boots because she can? Or will she still be like ” but they are just jeans who in the hell spends $200 on jeans? Not this girl I don’t care how much money I have!” See, I love shoes and purses and cars 😊 That being said I’m not sure even if I did spend $500 on a pair of shoes I’d have it in my heart to wear them OUTSIDE! Although I’d love to know how those shoes feel or how $200 jeans feel. But, it’s not me, it’s someone else. What will she go wild with? It would be very interesting to know.

I wish her well. The best of everything for the rest of her life. I hope she doesn’t allow people to use her and I hope she doesn’t become jaded. All the best for her! All the best!

Live

Love

Laugh

Til next time~ Jules

The Good & The Bad

This week has been very interesting to say the very least.

To tell you the truth, I am not sure I remember Monday at all, not real sure why.

Tuesday, now that is a different story. After work, I had to go to my doctor to go over my test results from last weeks blood draw. I had originally gone in thinking my thyroid was out of whack again. While sitting in the waiting room this man comes in, whom I presume is a drug rep. He is dressed in fish net stockings, black gym shorts with a very big piece of cotton safety pinned to his butt, an extremely tight T-Shirt and bunny ears. I did not know whether to laugh or just roll my eyes. The poor receptionist, who appears to be a whole 19 years old, she dropped her mouth to the floor then burst out laughing. To this he replied, ” I brought baked goods”. Now, I myself would be VERY skeptical of accepting any type of food from someone dressed like this. It was have if a Playboy Bunny mated with a half Easter Bunny Half Gym teacher. So, on to the exam room. Yes, we walked right by the scales, which made me so damn happy I wanted to stick my tongue out at it. After waiting for what seems to be hours, finally the NP comes in. I find out my thyroid is fine, along with everything else, except a certain type of anti body. All she really told me was Cher had had this same virus a few years back and I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At this point I am tired and confused and I am not really sure that I care. She gives me a few prescription, tells me to research it all to get nutritional and exercise information. I get home, and I researched it. I did not like what I found at all. Lets just say it made me feel like a walking freak that everyone would want to stay away from. It really just brought my mood level down below the line of depression. My husband is on second shift this week, so I left him a short note hitting the highlights of my diagnosis. Got the kids and myself to bed that night. Apparently at some point and time the weather warning sirens went off, I did not hear them. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I am sitting there, the lights go out. So, what do me and my youngest son do? We go stand in front of the kitchen window! I find out the next day there had been a tornado warning. Fortunately, no tornado went through. Our area did sustain substantial damage from straight line winds that reached near 70 miles an hour I believe. What a Tuesday!

Wednesday, we wake to still no power. School was canceled, which made the kids very happy. I myself did not have to report to work. When my husband woke up I asked him if he had read my note, he responded with ” Yeah, but I forget what it said”, then went off to another room or maybe even outside, hell if I remember. We spent the day gathering candles and oil lamps as well as coolers full of ice for the goods in the refrigerator and freezer. The neighbor across the street called the electric company and was told it would be at least 2 or 3 days before power was restored. My husband goes off to work. The kids and I go to my parents house to take showers and eat, and I borrowed a book from my niece. ( I found out later there was no need to take showers elsewhere because our water heater was gas and we did in fact have hot water) So, the kids spend the evening playing games on the laptop and I begin reading, ” My Sister’s Keeper” I’ll mention here, I didn’t do the dishes because I didn’t think we had hot water.

By Thursday I felt normal, as opposed to how I had been feeling over the last few months. I was so excited to go home share my enthusiasm of my over all well being with my husband, and maybe a little something something. Now, I must tell you Tuesdays and Thursdays are my early days to work, I have to be there at 7. Before I left, I woke up both kids and my husband. Half way through my morning my cell phone rings, it’s my sons school asking why he was absent. I literally stuttered. I had no idea he was absent from school. I explained to her we were still with out electricity and even though I had woke my husband up before I left for work, he must have fell back asleep. Great! Now my mood was a bit sour, not bad, just…well spoiled. I get home, pull in the drive way and my husband comes out of the building looking straight at me shaking his head. My shoulders sank, I sighed and thought to myself  ” Great, what did I do NOW!” I make my way inside, to find he is in the bathroom with the door locked. So, I stand there and say ” What’s wrong” to which he responds in a very stern voice WHAT’S WRONG?” I sigh again, roll my eyes and proceed to tell him about the shaking of his head. At which point he swings the door open yelling at me with this look of hate in his eyes on how the house is a mess and this is my way of saying “Fuck You” I can’t even begin to tell you whats going thru my head at this point, but when I try to explain why the dishes haven’t been done, I don’t really remember his exact words, but it was then I found out we did in fact have hot water, and his tyraid continued with the kids rooms were dirty the floors were not swept. Now mind you, I use to be the worse of worse in keeping the house clean, I hated it. Then we bought our own home. I have been keeping it very clean. I come home after my mere 5 hours of non physical labor work and what I really have been wanting to do is sleep, for months now I have just been physically drained of all energy. Anyway, instead of sleeping or laying down, I sweep, I do laundry, I pick up after EVERYONE else in this house because they do not know how to do it them selves, my husband included. One night I did not sweep, I did not do the dishes and I could not do the laundry. It was pointless to argue my case, he had already made up his mind I was wrong and he was right. So, I change my clothes and start doing the dishes. As he was leaving for work, I got another round of lecturing, this time about my car being dirty. So, you can imagine by the time it was dark out, my house and my car were spotless. The electricity came back on right at 10 pm, at which time I got a call from his oldest daughter yelling and screaming at me. I hung up! For some reason I happened to wake up at the exact moment he was walking back in from work, I told him his daughter called yelling and screaming and I went back to bed.

Friday! Should be a Thank God kind of day right? The only Thank God that happened was my boss wasn’t at work today, and my co-worker let me leave a whole whopping 10 minutes early. Which, honestly, I would have preferred to stay until around 2 ish. I forgot to mention on Thursday afternoon the screen on my cell phone went black. A few months ago, my son had set my phone to announce who was calling or texting, and I have no idea how to turn it off. All Thursday night and Friday I had to listen to my phone tell me my inbox is full and I need to delete all old messages. I wanted to shake the phone and scream at it that if I fuckin could I fuckin would! Oh Jeeze it’s driving me nuts! So, anyway as I am leaving work I decided I’d be the better person, so I called my husband and asked if he wanted me to bring lunch, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer. I bring home Subway, and where is he at, bed! Does not say a word when he gets up, nothing, not an apology for having been an ass, not a “so, now tell me more about your dr.’s visit” nothing. I finish eating and grab my book and head to the family room. He went back to bed. When he left for work, I did get an “I love you”, some how it sounded forced. I put the book down, did all of my daily duties. Then, I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading. I am not ashamed to admit that I did in fact bawl my eyes out through the entire last 5 or 6 chapters. And, I was completely and totally pissed off at the Mom.

So, you may be thinking, what is the good in this whole thing. Here is the irony of it all. For once in months, I feel human, I feel rested I can concentrate, I feel like me….that is the good.

I have to say, I never complained to my husband how I felt. That I was completely exhausted for no reason at all. That sleeping or resting didn’t give me that refreshed relaxed feeling, but somehow , it made me feel worse. I didn’t tell him that every muscle hurt so very bad, just the movement of my arm upward made me want to cry. I didn’t feel I had the right to complain. He works very very hard at a very very dangerous job, if anyone had the right to complain, it would be him, not me. Not that he wouldn’t care, or sympathize, just what right did I have? So, all in all I suppose him not giving a dam as to what the dr said is my fault, for he didn’t know that there had even been anything wrong.

So, there you have the good and the bad of my week!

We HAD to move to TOWN!

Living in town, compared to the “secluded” riverfront property of the compound is very different!

First, and my husband would roll his eyes about this, and probably my good friend Mossy, because they both seem to think it is weird that I willingly visited my Mom every morning, but I so miss my morning coffee visits with my mom! *and for some reason that made me tear up!* Even if we had mornings where we didn’t say a word to each other, we were still “visiting”, and I don’t know about her, but it made me feel good.

Second, I can not STOP running to the window every time I hear a car drive by, which is like every 3 seconds. I think “someones here!”, and the odd thing is the one time I choose not to run to the window, someone is here! Given there are way too many doors in this house, when someone does come, it’s like playing hide and go seek. They knock on one door, I go to another, and it just keeps on going! So, for future reference, we do not use either of the “front” doors, except in the morning when we are waiting for the school bus. When you go around back, go to the second door. If you forget this and go to the actual front door, please DO NOT ring the door bell, it really irritates me, who invented that thing anyway!

Third, not only do we have a multitude of doors, but windows too, I am use to running around the house in whatever I want….especially from the shower to my bedroom, which at the old house, you stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom. Now, I have to go down the hall and thru the front room, which has a VERY big window. And even though I am constantly shutting those blinds, someone is constantly opening them! And this brings me to number 4!

Number 4, my dog now has to go out on a leash, which irritates both me and him. Not to mention, he is used to as soon as my feet hit the floor, I am opening the door to let him out. Now, he has to wait for me to get dressed in something the neighbors won’t gauk at, which just like the leash irritates us both! What am I gonna do come summer? Mow the yard in sweats?

Now I know it may sound like I do not like our new home, quite the opposite actually. I love our new home, I just wish we could move it to the other side of the highway.

The other day I was outside walking Jack, in our yard, waiting on the school bus, this van approaches with some old lady and her dog, she stops dead in the road right in front of me and Jack, stares at us for a good full minute, as does her dog, she then smacked her dog on top of the head and drove off. REALLY ? I mean WTF was that? Of course, you know me, I stood there and stared back, and I am sure Jack did too. Is that how you get welcomed to the neighborhood now? A stare down? What happened to casseroles and pies or house-warming gifts? This is true stuff, no joking.

I now know why those who can afford a very tall fence with a gate have one, and if we could afford to fence the entire yard and gate it, we would trust me. Oh, and a moat that would be so cool! Oh well, I am sure I will get use to it….eventually!

The neighborhood children NEVER go home! In and out the doors all day long. Letting the dogs out each time, then getting upset because now the dogs are out and they want to chase the boys on their bikes. I can not tell you how many times they open the refrigerator door! Once, I told them to drink from the garden hose ( i had to when i was their age) they all looked at me like I had blood coming out of my eyes, and then one asks “what’s a garden hose?” REALLY? You have got to be kidding me! I wanted to yell, GO HOME!

I hate town!

Saturday evening I was sitting in the family room watching something on Bravo, I look out the window and there stands this little blonde headed boy on our patio. He could not have been anymore than 2 years old. So, I get up, go out there, and I start asking him where his mommy is and so on, then this little girl came waltzing up with her hands on her hips shaking her head at me and says ” he’s Lindons brother”. Now, she was probably 4 if that. I ask her if she knows where his mommy is and she mumbled something that I could not understand. This little girl had an attitude from you know where, and she was not the least bit afraid to show it. Through the conversation I had with her, that lasted a good 3 minutes or more, the only thing I was able to come up with was 1. he was NOT her brother, 2. he was Lindons brother. So, I go inside to get my shoes on, thinking I am going to have to walk around this damn neighborhood and find this little boys Mother, who obviously didn’t care he was even gone. At that point it had been 5 minutes and no sign of a Mother, no one hollering and screaming for their child, I on the other hand was a nervous wreck! It took me 30 seconds to put my flip-flops on go back outside. At this point, the little boy had found Trent’s BB gun that was laying in the yard for some UNKNOWN reason. This particular BB gun looks like a .22 rifle, or whatever .22’s are. So, I take it from him and explain ” this can hurt you”. I take his hand, with the BB gun in my other hand, and start out across the yard. Well, looky there, here comes this HUGE woman charging at me. ( it did not occur to me until later what it must have looked like with me holding her son’s hand AND a gun!) She is charging in such a manner that it sends Rachel, our little rat terrier mix into a frenzy. She was NOT going to let that woman anywhere near me. At that point Jack decided, maybe he should let out a bark or two. This woman, never said anything to her son, never asked me to get my dogs back, actually she never said a word until she went to attempt to kick Jack and yelled SHUT THE EFF UP! Not good! So, not good! My dogs are just like my kids…..If I could have grabbed that woman by her throat and choked her I would have. But, instead I said a few choice words of my own and told her to get her fat ass off my property!

That fence and mote I mentioned previously, is looking damn good right about now!

Apparently from what I could find out from other neighbors, this woman and her boyfriend have a hand full of kids and they can’t be bothered to watch them. There is either an older brother or sister, or both, but by older I do not believe he/she is anymore then 6. Anyway, that is who is in charge of watching them when they are all outside to play. \

I would like to click my heels now!

Just to catch up

It has been a little bit since I have blogged. I do believe the last one was on my attempt to quit smoking.

Well, let me tell you how THAT went. Right out the door. Did I happen to mention in the last post that my husband had originally suggested that we begin THAT day right then?! I did good all day, I was extremely proud of my self! I got home and guess who is standing in my kitchen smoking a cigarette? I’ll give you a hint, it was NOT, I repeat NOT Kid Rock. Had it been him, I’d have said ” Hey Baby!”, but no to my dismay it was in fact my husband. So, I stood there with my jaw dropped, hands on my hips and in some sort of shock. You would have thought he had a bong in his hands. His reply when I asked him about the whole quitting smoking, ” I was asleep when I said that” . So, of course I marched myself over to the convenience store and bought a pack. I will admit, I am a complete idiot. I could blame it on him, I could blame it on life, I could blame it on the postman. The truth be told, I was weak. It’s not that I do not want to quit, or that I won’t, but at this exact moment, my strength has not caught up to my desire.

     Oh! I can’t even believe I have not wrote about this yet! I have purchased tickets to my second Kid Rock concert of 2011! Noblesville, IN August 20th! Wow that is so far away. I about cried the day of the pre sale. Fan club members get to purchase tickets the day before Tickmaster hosts a pre sale, so I guess it is a pre sale pre sale. Anyway, all that kept coming up when I would put in my ticket count, which 4 is all we are allowed to purchase, was what I thought were going to be nose bleed seats. So, I kept trying and trying and trying, and finally got some seats about 20 rows from the stage. Here is the big kicker, the day before I had reported my debit card lost because I spent all weekend looking for it with no luck. I put in my credit card info, declined over limit, pulled out one of my husbands, declined over limit, pulled out the very last one, declined. Luckily, the wife of the couple going with us calls me right as I am getting ready to just let loose a flood of tears, and she gives me her husbands credit card info…..cha ching……tickets bought! Woohoo! ( now i just wish i could get back stage passes!)

     At this point I really must tell you about the whole debit card thing. I had gone to Wal Mart, which I absolutely hate, paid for what ever it was I had to have. I load the car up, then unload it, you know the whole ritual. I have no idea why in the middle of the night while I was surely dreaming sweet dreams of KR I suddenly sat straight up and thought “shit, where is my debit card?” I had no memory, none what-so-ever of having put it back in my wallet or my purse or even my pocket. I remember having swiped it and entering my PIN, but that is it. At that point I completely freaked out. I got out of bed, emptied my purse, emptied my wallet, I even went out to my Jeep and ramsacked it. To take it even farther, I got a flashlight and went over every inch from where I was parked to where I unloaded all the bags. I checked my jean pockets, I checked the washer the dryer, the bathroom floor. I left nothing unturned! The next morning I even called Wal Mart to see if one had been turned in to the lost and found. The lady told me they had many cards, but none with that name on it. That in itself surprised me, that so many people would lose their cards and 1. they were actually turned into lost and found 2. no one had claimed them. Anyway, by Sunday I was a complete mess. I was scared to death to tell my husband I had lost it, knowing a lecture of some magnitude would surely develop. Then, the thought of even one dollar going missing out of the account made me just sick to my stomach, not just for the loss of money but the lecture that would follow on the heels of that coming to light. Come Monday morning, I called the bank and reported it lost. Monday evening, I broke down and told my husband. After near panic attacks and surely an ulcer to develop, all he said was ” how did you manage to do that?” I was dumb founded! I wanted to reply at that moment with, ” Well if I knew the answer to that dumbass, I would know where to find it now wouldn’t I?” but I refrained, as hard as it was I did refrain. The very next day after having reported the card lost, I am digging through my wallet for change and guess what I find? My damn debit card!!!!! All I could do was laugh at myself. It was right there, plain as day. Now mind you, it was not in the little slots they designate for such things, it was in the part where you put actual paper bills. Oh well! I now have a bright and shiny new card!

     Well, I suppose I have bored you long enough for one post!

     Remember: Your reach must never be greater then your grasp!

The First Day of the Rest of my Life?

Oh Jeeze! I got this bright idea this morning that today will be the day I quit smoking. There are a number of reasons that have led to the decision to quit, number one being my children keep asking me to quit, or telling me if I don’t quit I am going to die, and I am polluting their lungs, and so many more comments my aching head can not even comprehend at this moment.  The number 2 reason would be I am bound and determined I am going to conquer the beast of an exercise machine, THE ELLIPTICAL, along with running. I honestly have no idea why on earth, after 30 plus and plus years of NEVER having wanted to run why I want to do it now, but I do, so moving on. I don’t really know if at any time I personally have thought about the health risks and so forth of smoking, or surely I would have never started it in the first place, but I was 18 when I started, thought for some reason it was cool as hell. Maybe because Joe Cool was one sexy Camel! Or that cowboy up on that horse smoking a Marlboro while roping a cow, shit I don’t remember, some how I really doubt that either of those commercials had an impact on whether I started smoking or not.

My husband and I had decided what seems like forever ago to quit smoking. ( as a matter of fact a few years ago I did in fact quit for about six months, then his oldest daughter moved in and that was all shot to hell) Anyway, we had made an agreement when we signed papers on our new home we would quit, well that day came and went. Then, we agreed we would not smoke in the house, well I was following that rule, but he was not, so I decided to stop freezing my butt off and I too began smoking in the new house. I get up this morning to discover all of my cigarettes are gone. I suppose it was just more convenient for him to have smoked all of mine then to have walked across the road and bought a pack. So, as I am leaving for work I ask him, “would you like me to go get you a pack of cigarettes?”, to which is reply was, “no, we are quitting today”. Now, my first thought was ” who in the hell do you think you are to tell ME when I am or am not going to quit” (and of course to get the full effect of that statement you have to visualize my head jerking back and forth with my finger waving while one hand is on my hip!)

Well, I left for work, knowing I was going to stop across the street for a very bad cup of coffee , a granola bar, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. As I pulled up, I thought to myself, I am going to do this! So, I did not buy a pack. That was at 7:45 this morning. It is not 11:43 A.M. and I WANT A FREAKIN CIGARETTE so bad I could punch someone! *take a breath*

It is making it harder because my job is so boring I have had almost 4 hours of nothing to do but think about smoking a cigarette! I am hoping when I get home, even though there is a convenience store across the street, I can keep myself occupied and “busied” enough to NOT give in.

I am not sure what on earth this has to do with not having or wanting a cigarette, but I have had almost an entire pot of coffee today over my normal one cup! Talk about going STIR crazy! The gum in the vending machine is Wrigleys in the green pack and Juicey Fruit, both so full of sugar I can’t even stand to smell them right now, little alone chew them!

I can almost guarantee you, if my husband is up, he has already bought a pack. I am so going to beat him on this one. So, in a month when he wants to bitch about spending money, he’ll have to bitch at himself and not me!!

I can do this!!!!!!!!!