To Fly

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of earth but you can’t decide wether you should spread your wings and fly or just scream? This is how I have felt all summer.

There are days when I swear I can feel something out there trying to pull me in. I have no idea what or maybe who. It’s just this heavy knotted up something sitting just within my chest. Just sitting there heavy as can be and barely tugging. And it’s so exhausting. Trying to figure out what in the hell it means.

Then there are days I could just curl up in a ball and cry. Sleep and cry. All curled up. With my super thick blanket as my armor against whatever hell the world wants to throw at me that day.

Occasionally there are those days that just whirl by like the wind blew me in circles leaving me dazed and confused.

Not all days are bad or sideways. There are days of happiness, joy and laughter ribboned and twisted throughout all the others.

And still I come back to days of standing on the edge of the earth. I find myself more and more asking all the what’s and why’s of life. Sometimes I think I am really in this world all alone, it’s spinning and spinning and everyone else took the leap, and are now soaring to new heights. And here I stand. Trying to make sense of it all. Wandering. Dreaming. Wishing. But never able to fly.

It’s scary.

The days only seem to go by faster, never slowing down. Never allowing time to take a breath and re center ones self. Constantly in motion. So I stand and scream. And no one listens.

Manuals for the Living

My brain sometimes thinks sideways and upside down, and as crazy as it may sound backwards periodically. Most generally, my husband and I have completely opposite views. His is more in a straight tidy well organized line, with labels and tabs and an index Incase you get lost. Baffles my mind to bits. My line zig zags circles around and around comes back this way then back that way, you get the idea, and I guarantee you I drive him insane. I think he is so hard to read and figure out and that I am an open book, he sees it the other way around.

So, my mind gets to wandering. What if we all came with a manual when we were born. What if. Let’s say that manual covered absolutely everything about you and your life. In general terms. This manual covers everything from how you were going to be birthed to how you were going to die and everything in between. Again, in generalizations, like you would reach the height of 5’2 before you reach adulthood, but will shrink to the height of 4’8 before your death. With no specifics such as you will reach 5’2 in the 5th grade and appear to be an Amazon woman towering above all your classmates, however; they will all pass you up one day. And you will have 3.2 children before the age of 40 but no more specifics, especially what the heck the .2 is. You will be born in the back seat of a car ( which I was not) and you will die in the back seat of a car. No specifics again, just general information. You will obtain x amount of schooling. You get the idea. All generalized info. With some added things such as say, you will be deathly allergic to chocolate. Just enough information to not be enough information.

Would you want to have this manual for any reason? Would you want it to help you with the early years of being a new parent? If you did accept the manual to help you with the early years with your babies, would you want to pass the manual on to them as they got older, if so, when would you pass it on to them? If you made the decision to not pass it on to them, and they learn upon having their own child that there is such a manual; what would you say to them then?

I have thought and thought about this. I have known several people who have committed suicide. Had they had manuals that stated their lives would end by their own hand, would it have changed things? Would they have taken their lives sooner? Or never?

There are times I think I wish I could go back to a certain time in my life and know what I know now. But if I could do that how would it make my life different now? My guess is, it would change it but not for the better. I know someone who was constantly trying to find a way to get rich, had a law suit against a former employer, netted him far less then he had hoped. Had another law suit against a driver who rear ended him, still had to work. Then one day while out on his Harley a little old lady crossed the Center line and struck him. He fought for his life. Lost a leg. Mangled him up really bad. Was in the hospital forever it seemed then rehab, and still had troubles today with his prosthetic leg. But, he’s a millionaire-ish now. If he’d have had a manual, how would that have changed his look at life?

I’ve learned that we go through the crazy things and the bad things and even the good things to better ourselves. Learn lessons from those things. Move forward. If we have a manual that guides us, where would we really end up? Better? Worse?

I’m good with who I am now. I’m not perfect, but I’m a better person then I use to be. And I went through a lot of shit to get here. Not all bad shit. And not all someone else’s shit, I stirred just as much as anyone else did. So I think for me, I wouldn’t want that manual. Because it would make me afraid. Afraid to live each day to it’s fullest. Afraid to take chances when maybe I can’t really afford them. Afraid to laugh or afraid to cry. And that’s certainly not living.

So, I’m gonna keep on living each day as God gives it to me, thanking him all the way. And I’m going to keep screwing up and praying He helps me through it!!!


Not Me

By now we all know that a woman from Massachusetts won a huge amount of money. We all know her name, her age and many more things about her. Sadly, I have to inform you it was not me. I did buy two tickets. I knew it wasn’t going to be me so there was no way I was going to go broke trying to appease the lottery Gods.

On that Thursday morning after the drawing I saw all these posts popping up on social media. They were of her coming out of the lottery office for the first time after coming forward. People were being down right horrible in their comments. Just bashing her about her chewing her gum. Could you imagine? I mean you find out you are the sole winner of an insane amount of money, I imagine there is a moment of complete shock. Kind of like ” SHUT UP! ” with your jaw dropped and you feel like you can’t catch your breath kind of moment. I would think I’d sit down and just cry. I would cry like I have not ever cried before and I would let it all go, everything cause damn it I can go buy myself a good bra now!!! So you get all your shit together take it all in and you go to the Powerball office. Not thinking this is a big deal for anyone other then you. You are sitting in the office filling out whatever they have for you to fill out and someone mentions the media is there. 😮 ” What? Wait? Who?…….. oh hell no, I’m not going out there. Shit. Are you serious? Can’t I just climb out that window? This is no one else’s business but my own I’m not going on tv!!! You have got to be kidding me! Ok I need a cigarette. What the hell do you mean no smoking inside??? You people are pissing me off. I can’t go out there. Ok. I can do this. Does someone have some gum?” I mean come on think about? I haven’t smoked for 5 years but I’d want a cigarette. I mean this kind of thing doesn’t happen to normal people. It does not happen to me. And now that it has I have to go out and smile in front of media? Oh damn it. I’d chomp that gum like the new multi millionaire I am and talk all your smack cause guess what, yup you aren’t getting a dime of it. 😬 That’s right. OWN IT GIRL!!

What happens next? The rest of us will continue to dream knowing we won’t ever get to retire because we skipped class on the day they were teaching planning for your future. And this woman, man how exciting! I’d love to be on her first real shopping trip with her. Will she let loose and buy those $200 jeans and $500 boots because she can? Or will she still be like ” but they are just jeans who in the hell spends $200 on jeans? Not this girl I don’t care how much money I have!” See, I love shoes and purses and cars 😊 That being said I’m not sure even if I did spend $500 on a pair of shoes I’d have it in my heart to wear them OUTSIDE! Although I’d love to know how those shoes feel or how $200 jeans feel. But, it’s not me, it’s someone else. What will she go wild with? It would be very interesting to know.

I wish her well. The best of everything for the rest of her life. I hope she doesn’t allow people to use her and I hope she doesn’t become jaded. All the best for her! All the best!




Til next time~ Jules

The Good & The Bad

This week has been very interesting to say the very least.

To tell you the truth, I am not sure I remember Monday at all, not real sure why.

Tuesday, now that is a different story. After work, I had to go to my doctor to go over my test results from last weeks blood draw. I had originally gone in thinking my thyroid was out of whack again. While sitting in the waiting room this man comes in, whom I presume is a drug rep. He is dressed in fish net stockings, black gym shorts with a very big piece of cotton safety pinned to his butt, an extremely tight T-Shirt and bunny ears. I did not know whether to laugh or just roll my eyes. The poor receptionist, who appears to be a whole 19 years old, she dropped her mouth to the floor then burst out laughing. To this he replied, ” I brought baked goods”. Now, I myself would be VERY skeptical of accepting any type of food from someone dressed like this. It was have if a Playboy Bunny mated with a half Easter Bunny Half Gym teacher. So, on to the exam room. Yes, we walked right by the scales, which made me so damn happy I wanted to stick my tongue out at it. After waiting for what seems to be hours, finally the NP comes in. I find out my thyroid is fine, along with everything else, except a certain type of anti body. All she really told me was Cher had had this same virus a few years back and I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At this point I am tired and confused and I am not really sure that I care. She gives me a few prescription, tells me to research it all to get nutritional and exercise information. I get home, and I researched it. I did not like what I found at all. Lets just say it made me feel like a walking freak that everyone would want to stay away from. It really just brought my mood level down below the line of depression. My husband is on second shift this week, so I left him a short note hitting the highlights of my diagnosis. Got the kids and myself to bed that night. Apparently at some point and time the weather warning sirens went off, I did not hear them. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I am sitting there, the lights go out. So, what do me and my youngest son do? We go stand in front of the kitchen window! I find out the next day there had been a tornado warning. Fortunately, no tornado went through. Our area did sustain substantial damage from straight line winds that reached near 70 miles an hour I believe. What a Tuesday!

Wednesday, we wake to still no power. School was canceled, which made the kids very happy. I myself did not have to report to work. When my husband woke up I asked him if he had read my note, he responded with ” Yeah, but I forget what it said”, then went off to another room or maybe even outside, hell if I remember. We spent the day gathering candles and oil lamps as well as coolers full of ice for the goods in the refrigerator and freezer. The neighbor across the street called the electric company and was told it would be at least 2 or 3 days before power was restored. My husband goes off to work. The kids and I go to my parents house to take showers and eat, and I borrowed a book from my niece. ( I found out later there was no need to take showers elsewhere because our water heater was gas and we did in fact have hot water) So, the kids spend the evening playing games on the laptop and I begin reading, ” My Sister’s Keeper” I’ll mention here, I didn’t do the dishes because I didn’t think we had hot water.

By Thursday I felt normal, as opposed to how I had been feeling over the last few months. I was so excited to go home share my enthusiasm of my over all well being with my husband, and maybe a little something something. Now, I must tell you Tuesdays and Thursdays are my early days to work, I have to be there at 7. Before I left, I woke up both kids and my husband. Half way through my morning my cell phone rings, it’s my sons school asking why he was absent. I literally stuttered. I had no idea he was absent from school. I explained to her we were still with out electricity and even though I had woke my husband up before I left for work, he must have fell back asleep. Great! Now my mood was a bit sour, not bad, just…well spoiled. I get home, pull in the drive way and my husband comes out of the building looking straight at me shaking his head. My shoulders sank, I sighed and thought to myself  ” Great, what did I do NOW!” I make my way inside, to find he is in the bathroom with the door locked. So, I stand there and say ” What’s wrong” to which he responds in a very stern voice WHAT’S WRONG?” I sigh again, roll my eyes and proceed to tell him about the shaking of his head. At which point he swings the door open yelling at me with this look of hate in his eyes on how the house is a mess and this is my way of saying “Fuck You” I can’t even begin to tell you whats going thru my head at this point, but when I try to explain why the dishes haven’t been done, I don’t really remember his exact words, but it was then I found out we did in fact have hot water, and his tyraid continued with the kids rooms were dirty the floors were not swept. Now mind you, I use to be the worse of worse in keeping the house clean, I hated it. Then we bought our own home. I have been keeping it very clean. I come home after my mere 5 hours of non physical labor work and what I really have been wanting to do is sleep, for months now I have just been physically drained of all energy. Anyway, instead of sleeping or laying down, I sweep, I do laundry, I pick up after EVERYONE else in this house because they do not know how to do it them selves, my husband included. One night I did not sweep, I did not do the dishes and I could not do the laundry. It was pointless to argue my case, he had already made up his mind I was wrong and he was right. So, I change my clothes and start doing the dishes. As he was leaving for work, I got another round of lecturing, this time about my car being dirty. So, you can imagine by the time it was dark out, my house and my car were spotless. The electricity came back on right at 10 pm, at which time I got a call from his oldest daughter yelling and screaming at me. I hung up! For some reason I happened to wake up at the exact moment he was walking back in from work, I told him his daughter called yelling and screaming and I went back to bed.

Friday! Should be a Thank God kind of day right? The only Thank God that happened was my boss wasn’t at work today, and my co-worker let me leave a whole whopping 10 minutes early. Which, honestly, I would have preferred to stay until around 2 ish. I forgot to mention on Thursday afternoon the screen on my cell phone went black. A few months ago, my son had set my phone to announce who was calling or texting, and I have no idea how to turn it off. All Thursday night and Friday I had to listen to my phone tell me my inbox is full and I need to delete all old messages. I wanted to shake the phone and scream at it that if I fuckin could I fuckin would! Oh Jeeze it’s driving me nuts! So, anyway as I am leaving work I decided I’d be the better person, so I called my husband and asked if he wanted me to bring lunch, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer. I bring home Subway, and where is he at, bed! Does not say a word when he gets up, nothing, not an apology for having been an ass, not a “so, now tell me more about your dr.’s visit” nothing. I finish eating and grab my book and head to the family room. He went back to bed. When he left for work, I did get an “I love you”, some how it sounded forced. I put the book down, did all of my daily duties. Then, I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading. I am not ashamed to admit that I did in fact bawl my eyes out through the entire last 5 or 6 chapters. And, I was completely and totally pissed off at the Mom.

So, you may be thinking, what is the good in this whole thing. Here is the irony of it all. For once in months, I feel human, I feel rested I can concentrate, I feel like me….that is the good.

I have to say, I never complained to my husband how I felt. That I was completely exhausted for no reason at all. That sleeping or resting didn’t give me that refreshed relaxed feeling, but somehow , it made me feel worse. I didn’t tell him that every muscle hurt so very bad, just the movement of my arm upward made me want to cry. I didn’t feel I had the right to complain. He works very very hard at a very very dangerous job, if anyone had the right to complain, it would be him, not me. Not that he wouldn’t care, or sympathize, just what right did I have? So, all in all I suppose him not giving a dam as to what the dr said is my fault, for he didn’t know that there had even been anything wrong.

So, there you have the good and the bad of my week!

We HAD to move to TOWN!

Living in town, compared to the “secluded” riverfront property of the compound is very different!

First, and my husband would roll his eyes about this, and probably my good friend Mossy, because they both seem to think it is weird that I willingly visited my Mom every morning, but I so miss my morning coffee visits with my mom! *and for some reason that made me tear up!* Even if we had mornings where we didn’t say a word to each other, we were still “visiting”, and I don’t know about her, but it made me feel good.

Second, I can not STOP running to the window every time I hear a car drive by, which is like every 3 seconds. I think “someones here!”, and the odd thing is the one time I choose not to run to the window, someone is here! Given there are way too many doors in this house, when someone does come, it’s like playing hide and go seek. They knock on one door, I go to another, and it just keeps on going! So, for future reference, we do not use either of the “front” doors, except in the morning when we are waiting for the school bus. When you go around back, go to the second door. If you forget this and go to the actual front door, please DO NOT ring the door bell, it really irritates me, who invented that thing anyway!

Third, not only do we have a multitude of doors, but windows too, I am use to running around the house in whatever I want….especially from the shower to my bedroom, which at the old house, you stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom. Now, I have to go down the hall and thru the front room, which has a VERY big window. And even though I am constantly shutting those blinds, someone is constantly opening them! And this brings me to number 4!

Number 4, my dog now has to go out on a leash, which irritates both me and him. Not to mention, he is used to as soon as my feet hit the floor, I am opening the door to let him out. Now, he has to wait for me to get dressed in something the neighbors won’t gauk at, which just like the leash irritates us both! What am I gonna do come summer? Mow the yard in sweats?

Now I know it may sound like I do not like our new home, quite the opposite actually. I love our new home, I just wish we could move it to the other side of the highway.

The other day I was outside walking Jack, in our yard, waiting on the school bus, this van approaches with some old lady and her dog, she stops dead in the road right in front of me and Jack, stares at us for a good full minute, as does her dog, she then smacked her dog on top of the head and drove off. REALLY ? I mean WTF was that? Of course, you know me, I stood there and stared back, and I am sure Jack did too. Is that how you get welcomed to the neighborhood now? A stare down? What happened to casseroles and pies or house-warming gifts? This is true stuff, no joking.

I now know why those who can afford a very tall fence with a gate have one, and if we could afford to fence the entire yard and gate it, we would trust me. Oh, and a moat that would be so cool! Oh well, I am sure I will get use to it….eventually!

The neighborhood children NEVER go home! In and out the doors all day long. Letting the dogs out each time, then getting upset because now the dogs are out and they want to chase the boys on their bikes. I can not tell you how many times they open the refrigerator door! Once, I told them to drink from the garden hose ( i had to when i was their age) they all looked at me like I had blood coming out of my eyes, and then one asks “what’s a garden hose?” REALLY? You have got to be kidding me! I wanted to yell, GO HOME!

I hate town!

Saturday evening I was sitting in the family room watching something on Bravo, I look out the window and there stands this little blonde headed boy on our patio. He could not have been anymore than 2 years old. So, I get up, go out there, and I start asking him where his mommy is and so on, then this little girl came waltzing up with her hands on her hips shaking her head at me and says ” he’s Lindons brother”. Now, she was probably 4 if that. I ask her if she knows where his mommy is and she mumbled something that I could not understand. This little girl had an attitude from you know where, and she was not the least bit afraid to show it. Through the conversation I had with her, that lasted a good 3 minutes or more, the only thing I was able to come up with was 1. he was NOT her brother, 2. he was Lindons brother. So, I go inside to get my shoes on, thinking I am going to have to walk around this damn neighborhood and find this little boys Mother, who obviously didn’t care he was even gone. At that point it had been 5 minutes and no sign of a Mother, no one hollering and screaming for their child, I on the other hand was a nervous wreck! It took me 30 seconds to put my flip-flops on go back outside. At this point, the little boy had found Trent’s BB gun that was laying in the yard for some UNKNOWN reason. This particular BB gun looks like a .22 rifle, or whatever .22’s are. So, I take it from him and explain ” this can hurt you”. I take his hand, with the BB gun in my other hand, and start out across the yard. Well, looky there, here comes this HUGE woman charging at me. ( it did not occur to me until later what it must have looked like with me holding her son’s hand AND a gun!) She is charging in such a manner that it sends Rachel, our little rat terrier mix into a frenzy. She was NOT going to let that woman anywhere near me. At that point Jack decided, maybe he should let out a bark or two. This woman, never said anything to her son, never asked me to get my dogs back, actually she never said a word until she went to attempt to kick Jack and yelled SHUT THE EFF UP! Not good! So, not good! My dogs are just like my kids…..If I could have grabbed that woman by her throat and choked her I would have. But, instead I said a few choice words of my own and told her to get her fat ass off my property!

That fence and mote I mentioned previously, is looking damn good right about now!

Apparently from what I could find out from other neighbors, this woman and her boyfriend have a hand full of kids and they can’t be bothered to watch them. There is either an older brother or sister, or both, but by older I do not believe he/she is anymore then 6. Anyway, that is who is in charge of watching them when they are all outside to play. \

I would like to click my heels now!

Just to catch up

It has been a little bit since I have blogged. I do believe the last one was on my attempt to quit smoking.

Well, let me tell you how THAT went. Right out the door. Did I happen to mention in the last post that my husband had originally suggested that we begin THAT day right then?! I did good all day, I was extremely proud of my self! I got home and guess who is standing in my kitchen smoking a cigarette? I’ll give you a hint, it was NOT, I repeat NOT Kid Rock. Had it been him, I’d have said ” Hey Baby!”, but no to my dismay it was in fact my husband. So, I stood there with my jaw dropped, hands on my hips and in some sort of shock. You would have thought he had a bong in his hands. His reply when I asked him about the whole quitting smoking, ” I was asleep when I said that” . So, of course I marched myself over to the convenience store and bought a pack. I will admit, I am a complete idiot. I could blame it on him, I could blame it on life, I could blame it on the postman. The truth be told, I was weak. It’s not that I do not want to quit, or that I won’t, but at this exact moment, my strength has not caught up to my desire.

     Oh! I can’t even believe I have not wrote about this yet! I have purchased tickets to my second Kid Rock concert of 2011! Noblesville, IN August 20th! Wow that is so far away. I about cried the day of the pre sale. Fan club members get to purchase tickets the day before Tickmaster hosts a pre sale, so I guess it is a pre sale pre sale. Anyway, all that kept coming up when I would put in my ticket count, which 4 is all we are allowed to purchase, was what I thought were going to be nose bleed seats. So, I kept trying and trying and trying, and finally got some seats about 20 rows from the stage. Here is the big kicker, the day before I had reported my debit card lost because I spent all weekend looking for it with no luck. I put in my credit card info, declined over limit, pulled out one of my husbands, declined over limit, pulled out the very last one, declined. Luckily, the wife of the couple going with us calls me right as I am getting ready to just let loose a flood of tears, and she gives me her husbands credit card info…..cha ching……tickets bought! Woohoo! ( now i just wish i could get back stage passes!)

     At this point I really must tell you about the whole debit card thing. I had gone to Wal Mart, which I absolutely hate, paid for what ever it was I had to have. I load the car up, then unload it, you know the whole ritual. I have no idea why in the middle of the night while I was surely dreaming sweet dreams of KR I suddenly sat straight up and thought “shit, where is my debit card?” I had no memory, none what-so-ever of having put it back in my wallet or my purse or even my pocket. I remember having swiped it and entering my PIN, but that is it. At that point I completely freaked out. I got out of bed, emptied my purse, emptied my wallet, I even went out to my Jeep and ramsacked it. To take it even farther, I got a flashlight and went over every inch from where I was parked to where I unloaded all the bags. I checked my jean pockets, I checked the washer the dryer, the bathroom floor. I left nothing unturned! The next morning I even called Wal Mart to see if one had been turned in to the lost and found. The lady told me they had many cards, but none with that name on it. That in itself surprised me, that so many people would lose their cards and 1. they were actually turned into lost and found 2. no one had claimed them. Anyway, by Sunday I was a complete mess. I was scared to death to tell my husband I had lost it, knowing a lecture of some magnitude would surely develop. Then, the thought of even one dollar going missing out of the account made me just sick to my stomach, not just for the loss of money but the lecture that would follow on the heels of that coming to light. Come Monday morning, I called the bank and reported it lost. Monday evening, I broke down and told my husband. After near panic attacks and surely an ulcer to develop, all he said was ” how did you manage to do that?” I was dumb founded! I wanted to reply at that moment with, ” Well if I knew the answer to that dumbass, I would know where to find it now wouldn’t I?” but I refrained, as hard as it was I did refrain. The very next day after having reported the card lost, I am digging through my wallet for change and guess what I find? My damn debit card!!!!! All I could do was laugh at myself. It was right there, plain as day. Now mind you, it was not in the little slots they designate for such things, it was in the part where you put actual paper bills. Oh well! I now have a bright and shiny new card!

     Well, I suppose I have bored you long enough for one post!

     Remember: Your reach must never be greater then your grasp!

The First Day of the Rest of my Life?

Oh Jeeze! I got this bright idea this morning that today will be the day I quit smoking. There are a number of reasons that have led to the decision to quit, number one being my children keep asking me to quit, or telling me if I don’t quit I am going to die, and I am polluting their lungs, and so many more comments my aching head can not even comprehend at this moment.  The number 2 reason would be I am bound and determined I am going to conquer the beast of an exercise machine, THE ELLIPTICAL, along with running. I honestly have no idea why on earth, after 30 plus and plus years of NEVER having wanted to run why I want to do it now, but I do, so moving on. I don’t really know if at any time I personally have thought about the health risks and so forth of smoking, or surely I would have never started it in the first place, but I was 18 when I started, thought for some reason it was cool as hell. Maybe because Joe Cool was one sexy Camel! Or that cowboy up on that horse smoking a Marlboro while roping a cow, shit I don’t remember, some how I really doubt that either of those commercials had an impact on whether I started smoking or not.

My husband and I had decided what seems like forever ago to quit smoking. ( as a matter of fact a few years ago I did in fact quit for about six months, then his oldest daughter moved in and that was all shot to hell) Anyway, we had made an agreement when we signed papers on our new home we would quit, well that day came and went. Then, we agreed we would not smoke in the house, well I was following that rule, but he was not, so I decided to stop freezing my butt off and I too began smoking in the new house. I get up this morning to discover all of my cigarettes are gone. I suppose it was just more convenient for him to have smoked all of mine then to have walked across the road and bought a pack. So, as I am leaving for work I ask him, “would you like me to go get you a pack of cigarettes?”, to which is reply was, “no, we are quitting today”. Now, my first thought was ” who in the hell do you think you are to tell ME when I am or am not going to quit” (and of course to get the full effect of that statement you have to visualize my head jerking back and forth with my finger waving while one hand is on my hip!)

Well, I left for work, knowing I was going to stop across the street for a very bad cup of coffee , a granola bar, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. As I pulled up, I thought to myself, I am going to do this! So, I did not buy a pack. That was at 7:45 this morning. It is not 11:43 A.M. and I WANT A FREAKIN CIGARETTE so bad I could punch someone! *take a breath*

It is making it harder because my job is so boring I have had almost 4 hours of nothing to do but think about smoking a cigarette! I am hoping when I get home, even though there is a convenience store across the street, I can keep myself occupied and “busied” enough to NOT give in.

I am not sure what on earth this has to do with not having or wanting a cigarette, but I have had almost an entire pot of coffee today over my normal one cup! Talk about going STIR crazy! The gum in the vending machine is Wrigleys in the green pack and Juicey Fruit, both so full of sugar I can’t even stand to smell them right now, little alone chew them!

I can almost guarantee you, if my husband is up, he has already bought a pack. I am so going to beat him on this one. So, in a month when he wants to bitch about spending money, he’ll have to bitch at himself and not me!!

I can do this!!!!!!!!!

Kid Rock

Wow! March 1rst Kid Rock came to Roberts Stadium in Evansville, IN. For the first time in all the times I have seen him live on stage or at an event on T.V., I did not cry when he took the stage! Maybe turning 40 has brought about a surge of adulthood, God I hope not!!

You may be thinking “why on earth would this grown ass woman cry when Kid Rock comes on stage?” Well, there is a sort of “emotional” attachment to his voice. I know, now you think I am beyond crazy and perhaps even certifiable. Truth be told, I just might be. I’ll tell you my story, then you can decide for yourself. Before I begin, I have to tell you, I don’t share my personal experiences with many, and have NEVER told this story to anyone outside of my circle of friends. I am not even sure if my husband knows the full story behind my “personal” attachment to Kid Rocks’ voice.

I suppose I should give you some background before jumping into the deep end.

I was the owner of a salon, I was married with a young son. My Mothers boss at the local factory started coming in to get his hair cut. One thing led to the other, and I left my husband and within 6 months Scott and I were married. There was a moment in time, before I left my first husband that I took Scotts’ hand in mine, and something just lit up. I knew at that moment that he was my soul mate, the love of my life. I went home I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and that as they say is history.

To date, Scott and have been married 13 1/2 years. April 13 of this year marks the 14th anniversary of the night I took his hand in mine. Things are so very good these days. We are actually going to be closing on our first house this week. However, things have not always been so good. In fact they were bad VERY VERY bad. I would describe the bad period in our life as a roller coaster ride thru hell and back again.

I knew when Scott and I got together that he occasionally smoked pot. I was ok with that. As I saw it, really what was the difference in that and the man who came home from work everyday and drank a case of beer. I can’t say that pot was a stepping stone, because I am not convinced it was. I think it did open the world up to him in a manner that he was able to find what he wanted when he wanted, beyond the pot. When his oldest daughter was 15 she was “violated” . The police did not want to do anything about it because this man was under investigation for involvement with a drug trafficking gang out of Chicago. ( about a year later he was arrested for possession of pot and got a whopping 12 months probation-never a charge on him or any of the other supposed members) HE terrorized my daughter, me, our whole family when he would see us out. My husband damn near went insane with rage, and with that feeling of worthlessness from not being able to protect his daughter. I honestly thought he would track him down and kill him. And I imagine it went thru his mind. But, instead he turned to methamphetamine. It was a progression really. He didn’t jump into the deep in and then was lost to us. But as he progressed, there was no pulling him back in. HE just sank deeper and deeper and deeper. At the beginning, I knew what was going on, but I put blinders on. Once it got to a point of no return, regretfully, I had allowed it to go on for so long, I could not reach him. By this time he was “deeply” involved. There would be times he would be gone for days. I would have no idea where he was who he was with, how to contact him. He would leave us with no money, no car, barely any food in the cabinets. His mother would call for him, and I would lie as to where he was. My family and friends would question his where abouts, his state of mind and so on. I can remember one time it was the dead of winter, a blizzard going on outside, the authorities had called for a state of emergency, and the furnace went out. I called my dad crying, but he wouldn’t dare the roads to come help. I called my husbands cell phone, no answer…shocking….anyone and everyone I could think of that may know where he was. I left shitty messages on many a cell phone, and FINALLY a few hours later, me and all the kids bundled on the couch in a ton of blankets, he came storming in madder then an old wet hen, fixed the furnace and was gone for another 3 days. Because I had the nerve to call his “friends” and leave those shitty messages. And that, that was a good night. How about seeing your vehicle go cruising past your house with a strange girl driving it. Finding messages on your husbands phone, not for him, but for his girlfriend. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough finding text messages between your husband and your very own sister, and not “hey how ya doin” messages… but “booty call ” messages. And, at the time I was 7 months pregnant. Which, of course for the entire 9 months he swore was not his. Finding out that during that blizzard when the furnace went out he couldn’t be found because he was shacked up somewhere with yet another of his crank whores. There were many, all of which he denies of course. The one he could not deny, he got her pregnant while I was pregnant. Care to guess how I found out? I doubt you will, so here it is. I had a dream one night that this girl with long dark hair showed up at my door with her mother and informed me she was pregnant. Of course he denied it, no on else would tell me the truth, then FINALLY one night for some reason he decided to clear his conscious, but his version basically that she more or less raped him but he let her. I know right!?!

I knew it would be a bad night when he would come home turn off all the lights and close all the blinds. Jeeze, those nights were real rough. He saw ghosts and para troopers and spies and God only knows what else.

There came a time when things were so bad, I cut off all ties to friends (did I mention my best friend was one of his conquers?..yeah) and family. I was alone. In mind, body and spirit. I was beat down and broken. I happened across a Kid Rock CD that my sister had left. I remember I put it in the computer, skipped thru a shit load of songs until I heard “Lonely Road of Faith” I cried and I cried and I cried, then I cried some more. I think I listened to that song a million times in the next few days. At that point if I remember correctly he had been gone about 3 days or so. I was pissed, boiling over ready to rip someone in half pissed. I put that cd in and let the whole thing play. I found there was a song for just about every emotion I would go thru at any given time. So, when I was pissed the fuck off, I would listen to ” Never Met a Mother Fucker…” when I was down and feeling sorry for myself it would be anything from “Lonely Road of Faith” to “Only God Knows Why” (by this point I had found other Kid Rock songs.) and even when I thought I wanted to try to understand my husband, what he was going thru, yes there was a song for that, like ” Jackson Mississippi”. So, that voice booming these songs out at me, letting me feel what I needed to feel, letting me throw a glass at the wall or what ever it was I needed, that voice became my shoulder to lean on. It became my friend, my break in the dark of loneliness. That voice saved ME. Really, I am not insane. I do not find an attachment to Kid Rock himself for any reason. Seeing him gives life to that voice, but I have no misguideedness towards a bond or connection of myself and him. Just a voice out of the darkness leading me to the light. And if that makes me crazy, then I am glad to be.

Would I love for him to show up at my door and he and I be life long friends, hell yes. Do I live in reality and understand this will never happen, unfortunately and sadly, yes I do. So, whether you understand it or not, that is my story. I am not sure why I didn’t cry this time at his concert. Maybe maturity, maybe the evolution of our life has finally brought me to peace. And maybe, after many many years, my heart is has mended and is again a whole. I am not sure, but what ever it is, whatever happened or didn’t happen, I am forever a true Kid Rock fan.

You may be wondering at this point what ever happened, well you already know we are still together. My husband ended up going to jail, spent some time there, some time on house arrest. And thru the last 6 years, we have healed, mended and moved forward in our lives. I suppose all of that will be another chapter in our lives.

In closing this, if anyone has actually read this far….. always believe……….

When I Grow Up!!!!!

I will admit, a few months ago I turned 40. It wasn’t near as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, I am not sure what I expected to happen. The earth to stop rotating maybe, a giant asteroid landing on my person? I seriously don’t know why I thought it would be so bad. Except, given my Dad gave me grief for an entire YEAR that I would be turning 40, that made me alittle anxious I suppose.  * the jokes on him now, cause I will give him grief for the next year on his about to turn 60*

So, I think maybe it is time I decide what I want to be when I grow up. Because it seems like that “grow up” time is creeping up on me faster and faster. I came to this realization just the other night when my 11 year old son asked me: ” Mom, what do you think I should be when I grow up?” At first, I was a bit taken aback, here he is 11 and he is thinking about and wandering about what he SHOULD be when he grows up. When I was 11 I have no idea what I was thinking, but I highly doubt it had anything to do with when I grew up! I know this to be true, because here I sit at 40, and I still don’t want to think about it. It’s a good thing that all this is going through his mind, maybe that is a sign he will fare this life much more successfully then his Mother has.

This also made me wander, allthose people we went to school with that are now doctors, and lawyers and successful at everything they touch……did they figure out and map out their entire “grown up” life when they were 11? And what on earth made them do that at 11? I mean, why were they mapping out their future when I was throwing rocks at the metal building across the road because I loved hearing the “ting” it made when it hit??!!! Seriously, why was the now Prosecuting Attorney NOT playing with GI Joe’s and blowing up his sisers Barbie Dolls???  Did these ambitous kids’ parents steer them in that direction? Should I be sitting down with my 11 year old AND my 5 year old and say…..ok this is where you want to go and this is how you are going to get there? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea……

Because, as I have said, I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This is why you have woman who are 90 graduating from college. 90 seems like a good age to grow up and get it all figured out at!

So, I think….if I were to try and decide what I want to be when I grow up….what MIGHT that be?

Possibility #1. Kid Rocks wife

Sadly enough, the only PLAN I can come up with is to find him when he is drop dead drunk or high as a kite and marry him real quick…..then KEEP him drop dead drunk and high as a kite for the next say, 10 years!!!! So, anyone know where I can find ol Bob Ritchie these days?

Possibilty#2 Have my own PRC Housewives Show

Now, this idea, should really be #1, but I got alittle ahead of myself by getting excited when I thought about Kid Rock. Unfortunately, it seems you have to be drop dead rich and have 7 nannies for 2 kids along with a house manager, which I have no idea what THAT is, a personal assistant, and so on….along with a mansion and do absolutely NOTHING all day but shop drink and cause drama to qualify for this…..and although you may be surprised…..I have NONE of those things.  So, if anyone else out there knows of a plan to head me down this path…CALL ME!

And so, now I am all out of possibilities. Due to the fact that anything else I could come up with requires me to have some sort of skill or talent, and sadly I have none. I always wanted to take guitar lessons, but there was always something more fun to do. Bought a sewing machine not too long ago, it works great for throwing my clothes over. Stacy and I even bought material and STUFF to attempt to make a quilt, not sure what happened to that idea, other then I have no idea HOW to work the sewing machine I bought. Made some bracelets a few years ago, that was fun, however, my eyes can’t see those tiny beads anymore….and I REFUSE to go to TRI FOCALS!

So, here I am lost in confusion on what to do and how to do it. Of course I do WANT to grow up, because I really don’t like the alternative to NOT growing up. I just don’t know what I want to BE!

You know what would be SO awesome! If I had a long lost great great uncle that I never knew about, that just so happened to be a billionaire. He was mean and hated his kids and his kids hated him, so upon his death, I inherit a good portion of his billions! Then I could have a mansion, a house manager, a stylist, a nannie, shop all day and be on The REAL HOUSEWIVES of PRC!!! Now, my friends THAT is a plan!!!!!!!


January 8, 2011

Well, now that we got the formation information down, I guess it’s time to move on to something a bit more serious before we get completely out of control with ourselves.

After an almost 18 month battle with Pancreatic Cancer, on January 8, 2011, we lost our dear friend and PRC member, Amy. She was very brave in her day to day struggle with this horrible disease.

I don’t want to throw too much personal  info on this subject out there, because it is not my story to tell. Nor , will I gain personal gratification from my personal grief, that of my friends, or our bond as “sisters” in displaying Amy and her familys struggle thru the past 18 months.

I will however tell you, I was very lucky to have been “reunited” with Amy and to have made some wonderful lasting memories over the past 18 months. For me, she will be sadly missed.

I will also tell you, if you do not have a charity that you actively donate to, you really should find one. A good place to start is the American Cancer Society. Cancer period is a horrible disease to battle. Wether your diagnosis is terminal, or curable, the process of fighting this disease takes a huge toll not only on the patient, but their family and friends. I can’t believe with all the science we have available, all the research that has been done, and continues, that a cure has not or can not be found. So, I strongly earge you, to donate.

God Bless

We will forever carry Amy in our hearts!