Bye Bye Birdie

     The sun slowly rose over a warm blanket of green grass just as the last morning dew fell slowly down the edge of a burning red day lilly.
     Today is the day.
     The young fledgling looked over the edge of the nest, toward the ground. Then she turned and looked back at Momma Sparrow. With a faint in her heart and a tear in her eye, Momma Sparrow gave the alert. It’s your time. You are prepared for your new journey. I believe in you.
     With a call of acknowledgement and love the fledgling, Birdie, hopped on the edge. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and jumped. She felt the drop and for a brief moment forgot to catch the wind. Quickly she opened her eyes, raised her head and spread her wings. She climbed and climbed racing toward the rising sun. She twisted and turned, rose and dipped with each change of the wind. Before long she was soaring high in the morning sky.
     Back at the nest high in an old Weeping Willow tree, Momma Sparrow watched proudly as her little Birdie flew free. With each pass a tear rose in her heart. With each tear blew a memory of love through her feathers.
     Birdie landed high atop an old Oak tree. As she caught her breath she glanced back at the old Willow tree. At that moment, she knew. She was free. Free to be Birdie as Birdie was meant to be. And while Birdie will spread her wings and fly, she will pass over that old Weeping Willow tree every morning just as the sun rises over a warm blanket of green grass and the last of the morning dew falls slowly down the edge of a burning red day lilly.

I Don’t Wanna Be A Grown Up!

     These days, I often forget most everything. It’s disheartening to say the least, that I have forgotten how to be a kid. Ironically, I did not forget all those thousands maybe millions of times I wished so badly to be a grown up! Now that right there is a prime example of ” becareful what you wish for!
     There are days I almost cringe when I hear ” MOM! ” my response after the 10 billionth time of hearing that word is….in the most dramatically sarcastic loud voice I can muster….. ” WHAT?WHAT?WHAT? ” Which then brings on a cry. Now comes the very skilled and hereditary sigh puff with the roll of the eyes and I’m off to hug and kiss and baby. This, is a typical day, not the occassional burst of exhausted hormonal mom versus kid breakdown.
     My questions are:
1. Who lied about castles? ( I wouldn’t have a castle now if it was given to me free and clear….cause I’m NOT cleaning 20,000 sq feet of anything!)
2. Where is the dang butler? ( I get so tired of people knocking on the doors, and we have 4 doors, so then I have to figure out which door they are knocking on while they knock harder and louder because its taking me so long!)
3. Who said I was the maid? ( I know for a fact no one told me this was part of being an adult. Why did I do all those chores growing up, I thought Moms just took naps!)
4. Where are the tickets for all those exotic vacations? ( isn’t that what parents are suppose to do……party all weekend long at fancy resorts while their kids sit at grandma and grandpas all weekend and sometimes a few extra days? I mean why else did my parents ship me there all the time?)
5. What are spa’s? ( this at my house is defined by a 2 minute hot shower, followed by 4 minutes of a cold blast topped off with beating the body wash bottle on my leg to get the last bit out followed by a quick “throw on” of the closest lotion that can be found before someone comes bursting in with the MOM scream. Just so the next day I can wander where on earth that bruise on my leg came from!)
     In all seriousness, there are times I think to myself ” I just wanna go home!” Or ” MOM! Oh, wait where’s the phone….cause she DOESN’T LIVE HERE!”. I get tired of trying to think of what’s for supper. If I pass the trash can and its not been taken out, yes I just smash it down! I throw all the socks in a basket even though I know I’m gonna hear ” I need socks” or “I can’t find any socks!”. I stack laundry on the dryer even though I know they won’t grab it on their way thru, which means when they go digging thru it everything ends up on the floor just to have to be washed again. I close the kids bedroom doors so I don’t have to see it. When I clean the fridge out I put the pans on the floor for the dogs. These are just a few of my “I just can’t want to do it’s”
     Free time? I have no idea what that is. I go to work not just for the paycheck, but to get out of the house!
     Girls day/night? Please explain, in detailed hick terms…..cause if Momma goes so does daughter! Which may explain why friends don’t even call or text to say hey! How are you? Miss you!
     Fun? Does riding the mower across the street for gas count?
     I don’t wanna be a grown up! I take back all those wishes and pleads.
     Instead, I wanna jump off the back of a pontoon on a Tuesday. Go Jeepin on a Thursday. Race the motorized carts at Wal Mart on Mondays. Go muddin on a 4 wheeler on Fridays. Sleep til 3 or 4 on Saturday, after I woke up to watch an hour of cartoons at 8. Go to church on Sunday followed by some down home family dinner, that someone else cooked and has to clean up. And occasionally, dance in the rain…..after running thru the mud puddles!
     Mom!Mom! Where are you?
     Til next time, go dance in a mud puddle!

Freedom of Speech????

     I have to apologize straight out of the box.

     I am so sick and tired of this whole Chick Fil~A issue.

     Someone really went off the deep end with all of this. And ultimately what has happened is free advertisement for an entire chain of restaraunts. Koodo’s to that!

     We do still live in America right? And as far as I know the government hasn’t completely dismantled our Constitution. As individuals,organizations,companies,and so on we have the freedom of speech. With that, it does not mean we all have to agree on everything said,written or recorded. Because we are allowed in this country to believe in what we choose to believe in.

     So why has this mans statement upset everyone? He simply stated his beliefs. The beliefs of his family. How does that make him wrong? Did he state he wished to see homosexuals burn?

     If it weren’t for the freedoms we have as Americans would anyone be able to speak out or up on any subject?

     Let me ask this, do you read your Bible?

     I will admit, I am a new Christian. And I stumble everyday. Try as I might, I am not perfect. And I don’t strive to be. I focus each day on my love for Christ, and how I can walk my path with Christ for Christ. And in my daily walk, I learn new things with each step. Amazing things. Love fills my heart, not just for Christ, and not just for my family, but also for Gods people….all of them. One of the hardest things for me to first wrap my mind and then my heart around was “dislike the sin, love the sinner”…..”forgive those who have sinned against you”. Now those two were hard, so very hard. But, once I got it, I mean really got it. My heart opened up like I never thought it would or could!

     2Kings 17:27-29 , I’ll let you look that up, but basic break down is this: Many people claim to believe in God while refusing to give up the things God denounces. You can’t edit God to fit into your way of thinking. He must come first!

     Romans 12: 9-10 ” Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection,and take delight in honoring each other.”

     Romans 2:1-3 ” you may think you can condemn such people,but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you jus0dge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid Gods judgement when you do the same thing”

     These scriptures are meant as points of reference. Love one another regardless of anything. Love! Judge no one, for you too shall be judged.

     I personally have no opinion good or bad, politically correct or incorrect towards this chain of restaraunts, their owners/operators,employees or customers. I can’t even tell you if their chicken is good or bad. This blog is simply my opinion on the over publicized craze from a statement made by an American Christian.

     Eat chicken there, don’t eat chicken there…..it’s a free country. But whatever you decide to do, love the person next to you, across from you…in the next town over, love all Gods people!

Where Are My Keys!

On a normal basis I don’t drive my husbands vehicle. This past Saturday I wanted to go to my parents to have coffee with my Mom. My car has had a tire issue for a couple weeks, Saturday was no different. After having worked a double shift, my husband was in no mood to get up and put air in my tire. So, I took his car.
After coffee, I came home changed my clothes, told my husband I was going to the store, aired up my own tire and off I went.
On my way home from the store, I noticed my dogs were at the convienence store. I stop to find out why. My Hubby and the kids had walked over and I guess the dogs tagged along. ( this is a key point, so try to remember it)
Sunday, our daughter & I went to church. When we returned my husband was franticly trying to find his keys. Honoestly, I couldn’t remember where I had put them the morning before….I mean I lose mine so often I put a long cord on them so I can find them! We tore the house apart. No keys. He decided to give up after an all day search, stating he’d look tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow came and I got a call at work. He couldn’t find them. I told him to calm down I’d look when I get home.
I get home and completely tare everything apart. The beds the couch, everything was moved and turned upside down and inside out. No keys. We came to the conclussion our daughter had hid them. I searched the yard and both cars, AGAIN!
I went over and over it with him. Where I thought I put them, remembering at that point I had gotten them off the top of the fridge and had in fact put them back. After going over and over and over who did what and where who puts what and how well each of us do or don’t look for things, he says to me ” I don’t lose my *u*k*ng keys”………well now Mr. I don’t lose my bleeping keys, tell me where they are then. Now he’s too pissed to talk about it. UGH!
Then all of a sudden he asks me, “when u stopped at TM on your way home, where were you coming home from?” I answered “the store” he said “ok while you were gone I went out to my car to get fruit snacks and I got pissed because you had thrown my stash all over the car ( by stash, he hoards the snacks he takes for lunch in his car) so we walked to TM……” at that point I thought I was going to fly across the room and choke him, cause he had this HUGE shit eatin grin on his face and I knew, he knew exactly where those keys were. He continues with ” I may have layed them on the counter and I may have left them there” I felt a psycho moment fester up. I turned walked out and walked to TM. Before I could get the entire question out, she turns picks them up and says “they’ve been here since Saturday”. I march home, as I throw them at him I say “here’s your keys Mr. I don’t bleeping lose my keys!” After saying Thank You, this is what he says to me, “I am so happy you found them. I so did not want to drive your car and have a flat tire when I get off of work!” REALLY? REALLY? So NOT the right thing to say to the girl that has to air her own tire up 3 times a day!!!

He stole my Psycho

Standing there at that moment in time, I had no idea what was happening. Had I been on the outside looking in, I never would have imagined any of it.
It was actually a very warm January night. Far warmer then January nights are suppose to be in Southwestern Indiana. I was truely at my whits end. I had set our house rules down so many times to my son. Grown son I must add. Time after time they were broken. Now, I feel I must add- I was rather passive in the enforcement of those rules, for awhile. I would casually mention “I know you feel your too old for a curfew, however I would really appreciate it if you were in by 12” to which he would respond with “ok Mom”. This went on for months.
Of course life itself was going on all around us, for us all, between us all and at times it seemed inspite of us all.
At some point, because of life going on, I noticed, no it was pointed out to me that my heart seemed hardened…actually I think cold was the word used. I blew it off, thinking about it for only a moment. Of course I came up with I’ve learned to be causios or I’ve learned to set boundaries. As far as I was concerned that was that.
In the mean time things with my son escaleted. My passiveness left completely and my psychoness emerged.
I knew what I was going to have to do, and I had known for some time. But I just could not bring myself to do it. My heart broke just at the thought of having to say the words.
Still, he pushed and he pushed and each time I fell. I always fell. That in itself is an entirely different story.
In my heart and with my soul, I knew what was going on, what the problem was and what was fueling it. No words had to be exchanged, a Mothers soul just knows. Yet, Momma couldn’t fix it. As a matter of fact the more psycho I became with my demands to follow the rules, the more fuel his demons added to the raging fire. I’m fairly sure what is going through your head right now, is not what was going on. My son had a broken soul attempting to consume his soul. And Momma was an obstacle.
The breaking point for me came that January night, technically it was a very early January morning. I was sure that morning would end with me either being carted out in handcuffs or a straight jacket.
As my heart and soul were pounding with rage and hurt, I headed to his bedroom door. Something stopped me. Stopped me dead in my march. I turned around and went to our bedroom, shut the door and stood there in the dark for about two seconds. Then I fell to my knees. There was no thought process, no “how do I do this?”. I just let it ALL out. The very first thing I said was ” Dear Lord please forgive me. I was so wrong. Please help me carry this, I can not do this by myself any longer!” I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. Not just for the struggles my son and I were going through, but for years of blaming God. Years of fighting God. Decades of asking why! And so much more. I can’t recall how long I prayed and cried. I can tell you I was on my knees until there were no more tears, until there was no more weight on my shoulders and my heart harbored no more anger, no more hurt, no more blame. I stood up feeling as if a ton had been lifted from my soul. I didn’t feel psycho, I felt love. I felt a hardened heart open as wide as the seas stretch the earth. My chains had been broken!
The next day I was able to sit down with my son and explain it was time for him to move out. Wow did it hurt, like an arrow straight through that newly opened heart! Thankfully, he understood and agreed.
He’s doing well today, despite having had to go through the unbearable pain of a broken heart. Which is something any parent hopes and prays their children never have to experience. Unfortunately, we have to allow them to live their own lives and experiences in order to learn lifes lessons. The worse part of being a parent is having to step back and allow them to do so.
That same day, I made my New Years Resolution. ( which you can read about in a previous blog post)
What has surprised me, is what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve found and lost as a result of that night something stole my psychoness and led me to my knees.
The past six months has gone from a resolution to a revelation.
Until next time- May love fill your soul!

Bringing In The New, Sometimes Means Letting Go Of The Old

When 2012 arrived, I sat and thought what did I want to resolve this year? I had already declared exercising would not make the list, seeing as it’s on the list every year and that’s about as far as it makes it. That declaration led to ” I am so not going to diet either”.
Then it came to me, it was time. Time for me to let go of all the issues I thought God & I had, and ask Him to lead me to my path. This came to me thru a moment in time when I thought as a Mother I was either going to be carted out in a straight jacket or hand cuffs, because I was on the edge of a psycho mom moment to which had I not fell to my knees; I may have never returned.
Before I knew it, I had fallen to my knees, and everything I had kept pent-up and locked away in my heart, my soul and all the hidden spots in my mind came out. I didn’t realize I was sobbing so hard until the moment came when I could finally breath. I felt as if 3 tons had been lifted from my chest and my shoulders. It was truly an Amazing Grace.
This may sound strange, but with all of this, I didn’t have set in my mind or my heart to seek out religion as a whole. Instead, I was seeking a relationship, my relationship with God. I was someone who spent a lifetime blaming God, running from him, questioning Him. I took responsibility for nothing. And when things went wrong, sometimes way wrong, I stood and threw my hands up…..”what NOW!” And when I would get an answer, I argued. Because I knew what was right for me. Who was HE to say different. Needless to say, it was a very long and bumpy road. Along this path, I have been led to religion, to a church family, to church friends.
I am one who has to understand everything. Factor into that by understanding everything, really all I have done is interpreted things in a manner in which I think I understand it. This usually leads me straight into a tangled mess. However, with prayer and much-needed guidance and a Bible Dictionary I make it through.
My journey so far hasn’t always been easy, yet it’s not as hard as it was. Because now I walk with God holding my hand. This doesn’t mean I am perfect or that I won’t mess something up. It simply means, I’m a work in progress.

Does this seem wrong to you?

I’m back tracking thru the past year, so hang on for the journey.
I suppose the best place to start would be the weekend of Memorial Day 2011. The kids & I joined family & friends for a fun filled cook out. Scott joined us later on his Harley. He left before us, and showed up again a few minutes later. A dog had ran out in front of him so he layed the bike down to avoid the dog. He had road rash down one leg and arm. The bike suffered damage as well. His “burns” were painful and he was beyond miserable. He returned to work that Tuesday to find he and his entire Unit had been pulled for a “random” drug test. They were all carted to the clinic and back, then told not to return to work until they heard from them. A few days pass and stories are flying. Apparently the random wasn’t so random, there was a “target” list upper management was going thru. And so much more that I can’t say right now. The lab called to verify he had a prescription for a medication, said once they verified it with the pharmacy, they’d fax a clean report to his employer. We waited and waited. Then more chatter came in via co workers. Upper management was spreading the word they all had been fired for testing positive for K2. Hmmmm….there still is a HIPPA law, correct? June 7th, he gets a letter of termination. First, I must tell you, in the State of Indiana, K2 didn’t become illegal to posses or use until July 2011, this particular employer did not have a policy in place that covered ANYTHING beyond “illegal street drugs or illegal prescription drugs”. Well, he was denied unemployment benefits. At that point we hired an attorney. Not only did she win the unemployment appeals, but she uncovered so much more. At that point all the men signed an agreement for her to represent them in a very detailed lawsuit. The lawsuit, according to the attorney was to be filed first of September 2011. After they signed the contract, no one could ever get ahold of her. Then finally at the end of 2011 we were told it would be filed in January. This was a horrible horrible roller coaster ride of complete unprofessionalism and lost hope mixed with a dark dark cloud hanging over our lives. Again, we were told it would be filed in April. Before April was over we received a letter stating she did not have the ” time or energy ” to devote herself in “the manner to which this case deserves”, therefor she must withdraw her representation. However, she wishes then men “the best of luck” and reminds them there is a statue of limitations on a case like this. And now, well now we can’t get a decent Federal Court Attorney to return any calls. Well, one, and she wants an astronomical retainer fee. Did I mention, the attorney we had “highly suggested” the men NOT get jobs? Yes that’s right. We just bought our first house a year ago. My husband finally got a job, in NOVEMBER! Needless to say, the last year has been HELL! Anyone know a knock-em-out not scared of anything extremely better then great Civil Rights Litigation attorney, this case has the potential to be HUGE in so many scary ways!