Wandering Mind at Graduation

This past weekend our youngest son graduated high school. It truly seemed so surreal. I was trying to remember how long had it been since I was sitting down on that floor with butterflies in my stomach. My niece apparently had the same thought because she turned around and said ” can you believe it has been 4 years since I graduated?” my answer to her was ” try 29 years”, and as I said it and heard it, it seemed impossible it had been that long.

I sat there listening to the speeches given by these children about life and it’s lessons and not taking the opportunity to seize every minute of life. And I thought to myself ” how in the hell do they know this”. And then my mind began to wander, did my class mates give the same speeches? Did I sit down on the floor and stare at them with no regard to what they were actually saying, let alone actually listening to it? Was my son taking in any of their words or was he doing the same as I had done, as I was doing at that moment?

I seriously wanted to stand up and shout LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!! Even though there was no way they knew the things they were saying were to be true, unless they had asked for life advice from close adults or googled speeches. One young man did in fact admit he googled ” Valedictorian Speeches”, his young man ended his speech with a prayer. I thought for sure the ceiling was going to cave in, but much to my surprise when he finished there was a load roaring echo of AMENs, followed by even louder claps. Very Cool!

Still, as I sat there and listened to more speeches, I wandered where time had gone. I asked myself why I hadn’t tried. Why I hadn’t taken any chances. Why had I been so scared to just take the first step regardless of whether it was followed by failure? I had no answer. I still have no answer. Then I began to wander, will my son settle into the same rut, the rut that just gets you by in life? Will he dare to dance on the edge of the limb and take that plunge? At that moment I think is when I cried. I heard them call his name, and hand him his diploma. And all those fears a mother has for her children were right there on my shoulder taunting me.

What I want for him is for him to always be happy. What I wish for him is that he lives life. Truly lives it. Not just survive in it. Not just go through the motions. Not just make everything alright from what you have. But live life everyday. In every way. Grab ahold of it and ride it’s tail in the wind until you make it to the point of guiding it. I wish we all would have done that.

I can’t be sure where he will go and how he will get there, this is his time, his way. I will pray each and everyday that his way never leaves him lost, lonely, scared, sick or broken. If by chance it does, I will continue to do all I can, and all he allows me to do to pick him back up again.

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