I Quit Dieting…Tomorrow

Four and a half years ago I quit smoking. Cold turkey. There wasn’t anything easy about it.  That in itself is a whole other topic. However, it led to this one. 

Three months after quitting I had put on well over 20 pounds. Another month later and 10 more pounds. 

Since putting on all of those pounds I have tried every diet I could find. I spent way to much money on crazy fads, crazier promises and insanely crazy foods. A lot of those worked to take off a quick 10 pounds. One, which I actually stuck to for half a year took off 20 pounds. All have returned with a deep desire to not only hate me, but make me miserable. 

Mostly, I have become my own worse enemy. Whatever the crazy diet is for this week, I dive full force into. And I see results. I get so excited about those results, and I post them everywhere and tell everyone. ” hey got on the scales this week, another 3 pounds for a total of 9 pounds” whomever it is congratulates me and probably rolls their eyes because they are well over hearing my success story of losing the same 9 pounds for the last 2 years. Personally, I’m sick of hearing it too. Because here is what happens: I get so excited I’m down 9 pounds I think ” it’s ok it I have the chips and salsa and a jumbo margarita tonight, I deserve it and I’ll be right back on track tomorrow no big deal” guess what, it becomes a big deal. Those few chips and that margarita ALWAYS turn into more. That more then has me so disgusted with myself I eat more. Makes loads of sense doesn’t it? No. It doesn’t. But, that’s emotional eating. Add to that I have found I eat when I would have normally had a cigarette. This is eating that I have not made a conscious decision to do. ( I know, I’m beginning to border on insane here…. just hang with me)

The emotional eating I get. Everyone does it. Some get stuck in a vicious cycle of it. I think that’s probably a whole other topic as well. 

Eating in place of smoking. I never really noticed I was doing it. Until tonight. Got up to go to the bathroom when I was done I stopped at the cabinet and grabbed a cookie. As I was eating I asked myself why on the hell was I eating this cookie? I’m actually full so I’m not hungry. It’s not the best cookie ever made so I didn’t really crave it. Come to think about it this is not the first time tonight I’ve done this. Or the first time this week. I’ve done it over and over for, well ever it seems like. And this is food that doesn’t get entered into my daily log. Five years ago when I would have gotten up to go potty I’d have grabbed a cigarette and had a couple puffs. Talking on the phone is fine outside and smoked one or two or however many until I was finished. Now, I finish off the Doritos. After sex, no cigarette instead a Hostess cupcake, which are so much smaller then they use to be. 

 What do I do? No Diet is ever gonna work at this rate. Only thing keeping it at a 30 pound gain instead of a 100 pound gain is because I attempt to stay slightly active. 

My idea is to attempt to cure my addiction. It seems all I did was swap one addiction for the other. Personally, I’d rather be a skinny smoker. But, I’m really not interested in smoking again. So, just like I quit smoking I am going to quit dieting. 

I am going to document everything. Try to figure out what triggers what. How to work around the cravings and replace unhealthy foods with healthy ones. I’m going to do all of this right here on my blog for all the world to help me along. ( although no one ever reads or shares these, but at least in the back of my mind I think someone is…)

Since it’s way past my bedtime, tomorrow starts day 1. 

Please feel free to share these. Please comment with words of encouragement or advice, or tell me how stupid you think I am, at least then I know I am being heard. 

I hope I don’t lose my mind and cry like a baby …..


2 thoughts on “I Quit Dieting…Tomorrow

  1. Not borderline insane whatsoever. Just thoughtful and insightful.
    I think first you should be celebrating the fact that you HAVE QUIT SMOKING! Holy shit, I ENVY you most sincerely! It’s the nastiest and most unhealthy habit ever, and you CONQUERED it! I am SO PROUD OF YOU!
    Now, to return to the issue that’s troubling you. Sometimes I think being skinny is overrated. Everywhere you look, magazines, television… promotes being thin as the ideal. It’s not realistic, and it’s emotionally draining. People post pics online of themselves with filters and dandy Apps that make them appear like they look better than they do. Heck I’m guilty of it mildly.
    I admire you, Jules. I hate it that we don’t talk or see each other like we used to, but I love you with all my heart and it does make me sad when you’re not happy or struggling. In your pictures you are not only beautiful, but lovely and REAL. You have a big heart and a bigger smile that you don’t show off nearly as much as you should.
    We all have to face things. We’re growing older, our bodies change. Geez, I just found out my bone density has issues today. I was like, “What is that?” Guess I need calcium or sumpin’? Haha
    My point is, and I think there is one… own your beautiful self! Unleash that free spirit and try to release from your mind all the cliched expectations of the world. But if it’s something you crave and desire, I have no doubt that that head-strong friend of mine that once gave me a straight forward no-bullshit-talking-to that was well deserved to help pull me out of a horrible mess inside of my own head… I KNOW that you can achieve any goals you set out to accomplish.
    You weren’t made to be perfect, but you already are. Mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes we just need little reminders to give us a nudge.
    Continue the fight! Text if you need to or call me. I’m available and willing to listen and encourage. Or- just try to make you laugh… that burns calories, right?!
    More than 4

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you too Stace!
      I understand everything you have said, BUT, it’s more about how I feel. How I see myself. I don’t think I have to be supermodel thin. I’m barely 5’2″ so unless I get down to 115 I won’t look ” thin”, but I want to look like me. ( FYI my for my height whatever it is they use to calculate what your weight should be , well that thing says 120. Never gonna happen. Haven’t seen that since high school and I’m ok with it!) I updated my drivers license shortly before I quit smoking to what my actual weight was for the first time in a couple decades, so I’d like to not have to update it again. 😬
      I use to always say I’d never let myself go like some of my family members did once they hit 40 and here I am having let go. I just need to get back to me.
      Do what your doctors tell you! If we are all gonna wreak havoc in the nursing home someday we can’t have you constantly breaking bones!!!!! ❤️❤️


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