Wow! March 1rst Kid Rock came to Roberts Stadium in Evansville, IN. For the first time in all the times I have seen him live on stage or at an event on T.V., I did not cry when he took the stage! Maybe turning 40 has brought about a surge of adulthood, God I hope not!!
You may be thinking “why on earth would this grown ass woman cry when Kid Rock comes on stage?” Well, there is a sort of “emotional” attachment to his voice. I know, now you think I am beyond crazy and perhaps even certifiable. Truth be told, I just might be. I’ll tell you my story, then you can decide for yourself. Before I begin, I have to tell you, I don’t share my personal experiences with many, and have NEVER told this story to anyone outside of my circle of friends. I am not even sure if my husband knows the full story behind my “personal” attachment to Kid Rocks’ voice.
I suppose I should give you some background before jumping into the deep end.
I was the owner of a salon, I was married with a young son. My Mothers boss at the local factory started coming in to get his hair cut. One thing led to the other, and I left my husband and within 6 months Scott and I were married. There was a moment in time, before I left my first husband that I took Scotts’ hand in mine, and something just lit up. I knew at that moment that he was my soul mate, the love of my life. I went home I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and that as they say is history.
To date, Scott and have been married 13 1/2 years. April 13 of this year marks the 14th anniversary of the night I took his hand in mine. Things are so very good these days. We are actually going to be closing on our first house this week. However, things have not always been so good. In fact they were bad VERY VERY bad. I would describe the bad period in our life as a roller coaster ride thru hell and back again.
I knew when Scott and I got together that he occasionally smoked pot. I was ok with that. As I saw it, really what was the difference in that and the man who came home from work everyday and drank a case of beer. I can’t say that pot was a stepping stone, because I am not convinced it was. I think it did open the world up to him in a manner that he was able to find what he wanted when he wanted, beyond the pot. When his oldest daughter was 15 she was “violated” . The police did not want to do anything about it because this man was under investigation for involvement with a drug trafficking gang out of Chicago. ( about a year later he was arrested for possession of pot and got a whopping 12 months probation-never a charge on him or any of the other supposed members) HE terrorized my daughter, me, our whole family when he would see us out. My husband damn near went insane with rage, and with that feeling of worthlessness from not being able to protect his daughter. I honestly thought he would track him down and kill him. And I imagine it went thru his mind. But, instead he turned to methamphetamine. It was a progression really. He didn’t jump into the deep in and then was lost to us. But as he progressed, there was no pulling him back in. HE just sank deeper and deeper and deeper. At the beginning, I knew what was going on, but I put blinders on. Once it got to a point of no return, regretfully, I had allowed it to go on for so long, I could not reach him. By this time he was “deeply” involved. There would be times he would be gone for days. I would have no idea where he was who he was with, how to contact him. He would leave us with no money, no car, barely any food in the cabinets. His mother would call for him, and I would lie as to where he was. My family and friends would question his where abouts, his state of mind and so on. I can remember one time it was the dead of winter, a blizzard going on outside, the authorities had called for a state of emergency, and the furnace went out. I called my dad crying, but he wouldn’t dare the roads to come help. I called my husbands cell phone, no answer…shocking….anyone and everyone I could think of that may know where he was. I left shitty messages on many a cell phone, and FINALLY a few hours later, me and all the kids bundled on the couch in a ton of blankets, he came storming in madder then an old wet hen, fixed the furnace and was gone for another 3 days. Because I had the nerve to call his “friends” and leave those shitty messages. And that, that was a good night. How about seeing your vehicle go cruising past your house with a strange girl driving it. Finding messages on your husbands phone, not for him, but for his girlfriend. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough finding text messages between your husband and your very own sister, and not “hey how ya doin” messages… but “booty call ” messages. And, at the time I was 7 months pregnant. Which, of course for the entire 9 months he swore was not his. Finding out that during that blizzard when the furnace went out he couldn’t be found because he was shacked up somewhere with yet another of his crank whores. There were many, all of which he denies of course. The one he could not deny, he got her pregnant while I was pregnant. Care to guess how I found out? I doubt you will, so here it is. I had a dream one night that this girl with long dark hair showed up at my door with her mother and informed me she was pregnant. Of course he denied it, no on else would tell me the truth, then FINALLY one night for some reason he decided to clear his conscious, but his version basically that she more or less raped him but he let her. I know right!?!
I knew it would be a bad night when he would come home turn off all the lights and close all the blinds. Jeeze, those nights were real rough. He saw ghosts and para troopers and spies and God only knows what else.
There came a time when things were so bad, I cut off all ties to friends (did I mention my best friend was one of his conquers?..yeah) and family. I was alone. In mind, body and spirit. I was beat down and broken. I happened across a Kid Rock CD that my sister had left. I remember I put it in the computer, skipped thru a shit load of songs until I heard “Lonely Road of Faith” I cried and I cried and I cried, then I cried some more. I think I listened to that song a million times in the next few days. At that point if I remember correctly he had been gone about 3 days or so. I was pissed, boiling over ready to rip someone in half pissed. I put that cd in and let the whole thing play. I found there was a song for just about every emotion I would go thru at any given time. So, when I was pissed the fuck off, I would listen to ” Never Met a Mother Fucker…” when I was down and feeling sorry for myself it would be anything from “Lonely Road of Faith” to “Only God Knows Why” (by this point I had found other Kid Rock songs.) and even when I thought I wanted to try to understand my husband, what he was going thru, yes there was a song for that, like ” Jackson Mississippi”. So, that voice booming these songs out at me, letting me feel what I needed to feel, letting me throw a glass at the wall or what ever it was I needed, that voice became my shoulder to lean on. It became my friend, my break in the dark of loneliness. That voice saved ME. Really, I am not insane. I do not find an attachment to Kid Rock himself for any reason. Seeing him gives life to that voice, but I have no misguideedness towards a bond or connection of myself and him. Just a voice out of the darkness leading me to the light. And if that makes me crazy, then I am glad to be.
Would I love for him to show up at my door and he and I be life long friends, hell yes. Do I live in reality and understand this will never happen, unfortunately and sadly, yes I do. So, whether you understand it or not, that is my story. I am not sure why I didn’t cry this time at his concert. Maybe maturity, maybe the evolution of our life has finally brought me to peace. And maybe, after many many years, my heart is has mended and is again a whole. I am not sure, but what ever it is, whatever happened or didn’t happen, I am forever a true Kid Rock fan.
You may be wondering at this point what ever happened, well you already know we are still together. My husband ended up going to jail, spent some time there, some time on house arrest. And thru the last 6 years, we have healed, mended and moved forward in our lives. I suppose all of that will be another chapter in our lives.
In closing this, if anyone has actually read this far….. always believe……….